My dear friend I never met....

It is amazing how entire periods of your life can be forgotten until something suddenly brings it back. It is also amazing how something that speaks so strongly to the type of person you are can be totally left out of your life story.

We all have that spoken resume we are able to rattle off when we meet new people. It normally consists of age, career, marital and child status, place of residence and if those meeting you are lucky, a bit of insight into your personality and passion. Typically when you meet someone new for the first time, you are really only getting what they want you to know. What that person feels is most relevant to that point in time. If you are meeting them at your kids' soccer game, it may be a bit about your child, family and perhaps your own soccer experiences. If you are meeting someone at a networking event, your spoken pitch will obviously include your work experiences, talents etc. We obviously do have a certain amount of control in ensuring those we meet get the story we think they should walk away with.

Questions of the day....

Another blog that is going to be a challenge to write, but it is something I have been thinking about and talking about with those closest to me for so long, why not send it out into the intranets :) This is going to be a very personal post for me, so please, as always, be gentle.

As a small child, I feel like the only questions I was ever asked were about, what I wanted for Christmas. I am sure there may have been some questions about what I wanted for lunch, or what I wanted to wear, but I feel like more often or not, my Mom decided that for me. I can still remember getting the huge toy catalog that would come each year. I can remember flipping through it for hours, looking to see what I wanted Santa to bring me that year. I had so much fun looking through the catalog and I can remember circling items, folding down pages, etc. It was truly a sad day when I was no longer able to find anything I wanted and equally sad when I was no longer excited to receive the catalog.

Collection of Poems....Simple

A few years ago, I wrote a bunch of poems. Never claimed to be a poet, but sometimes words just come to me and I need to write them down. That may sound bizarre, but it is the honest truth. My next few posts will all be poems I wrote a few years ago......

~Simple~

Please and thank you

Hope and joy

Peace and love

Fairness and kindness

Empathy and gratefulness

Listen

Suddenly all that should be simple is not.

Helping and sharing

Giving to others

Respect

Treat your neighbor as you wish to be treated—forgotten

We are all one

Others became a chore

Money and power—more important

Love and peace will be found in

simplicity

Collection of poems....The City

A few years ago, I wrote a bunch of poems. Never claimed to be a poet, but sometimes words just come to me and I need to write them down. That may sound bizarre, but it is the honest truth. My next few posts will all be poems I wrote a few years ago......

The City

Sidewalks full of dreams and secret wishes

Late night strolls and pleas with the occasional star

Pulsing energy, endless possibilities

Millions of people, yet never more lonely

Faces seen by many, but never recognized by more than a few

Voices and fights go unacknowledged

Neighbors that are strangers

Time passes yet everything remains the same

Opportunities for a few

Challenges for more

Connected to and dependant on all by cared for by almost none

Effort is required

Silence is hidden

Beauty is found

Happiness is possible

In the city

Collection of Poems....Symmetry

A few years ago, I wrote a bunch of poems. Never claimed to be a poet, but sometimes words just come to me and I need to write them down. That may sound bizarre, but it is the honest truth. My next few posts will all be poems I wrote a few years ago......

Symmetry

Left and right

Up and down

Back and front

Symmetry

Balance

Beauty

Peace

And understanding

Symmetry

Right and wrong

Black and white

Real and imaginary

Life and death

Symmetry

Lakes and ocean

City and suburb

Calm and anxious

Balance

In the mirror symmetry is an illusion

In the world symmetry is impossible

We see what we have learned

What we want to be true

We do not see what is real

Faces dissolve into nightmares

Reality becomes a delusion

Past appears

Future becomes out of reach

Collection of Poems....Human

A few years ago, I wrote a bunch of poems. Never claimed to be a poet, but sometimes words just come to me and I need to write them down. That may sound bizarre, but it is the honest truth. My next few posts will all be poems I wrote a few years ago......

Human

You, me

Human

Right, wrong

Human

Young, old

Human

Black, brown, white, red

Human

Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Aethist

Human

Rich, poor

Human

Republican, democrat, liberterian

Human

Gay, straight, transgendered, unsure

Human

Mistakes

Human

Love

Human

In the end,

We are all human.

Collection of poems...."Soul"

A few years ago, I wrote a bunch of poems. Never claimed to be a poet, but sometimes words just come to me and I need to write them down. That may sound bizarre, but it is the honest truth. My next few posts will all be poems I wrote a few years ago......

 soul

This isn’t your first time here

Your footsteps feel like memories

You have done this before

Ever-learning, forward moving.

The past like a distant song

In dreams the words become more clear

The sky remains unchanged

Encourages my love for it to grow

Trying hard to find my self, define myself, love myself.

The great truth feels within reach

The Golden Rule

Unconditional love and respect

Beauty is everywhere except within me

My search continues.

Let's talk, no seriously, let's......

So, there are so many places I could take this blog and so many things I want to say. I am not sure how well or cohesive any of this will be.  After initially deciding I would sleep on all of this, my brain just won't stop and I need to get this out.

Mentors and Friends....

This post probably would have been much more timely around Thanksgiving, really giving me the opportunity to give a quick shout out to three individuals who all started out as mentors and quickly became friends.

Life is hard, I have no problem admitting that. Making decisions, pushing yourself, looking within and making changes all can be scary and often require support and advice from those wise and caring folks you have around you. I am extremely lucky to have met so many folks over the years, and I just wanted to send a special thank you to three of them. There are many more I could mention and people like Greg, my sister and my parents are probably obvious, but let's start with the three that come to mind most immediately.

Just say no.....

Growing up as a child of the 80's and 90's I was taught this mantra from a very early age. If you really break it down, it appears to read, duh, "just say no", of course the concept is easy...."just say no". No thinking necessary, just say no. Heck, it is taught to children and appears to need no real follow-up or explanation. I know we had a D.A.R.E. program, but I also know the mantra, more than anything, is what has stuck with me.

Unconditional Love....

Sometimes I feel like such a baby. Someone says one thing to me and it hurts my feelings. When my feelings get hurt, they get hurt really bad. I have no doubt I am super sensitive and this is something I really need to work on. I feel like I have been trying to work on it for so long and I am proud to report that I do not burst into tears as easy as I use to, but I still do often find myself holding them back.

I'm an acorn

I never talk about being an acorn. I certainly haven't mentioned it in any of my blogs. In fact, I rarely talk about it at all. It isn't something that comes up in every day conversation and I almost feel like bringing it up would be nearly impossible in any other setting.

Great Expectations

In the sixth grade I was absolutely certain that Jordan Knight was coming to my b-day party. This hope, and my great expectations for my 11th b-day was one of many great expectations that led to even greater disappointment.

Let go of the hate.....

The words came this morning while taking a shower
a bolt of lighting, a force of power

a right once won by fighting and dying
has turned to victories through hate and lying
i cannot believe it is 2012
i think i have landed in almost certain hell

The life of an introvert

I know I have talked about this before and I am not quite sure why it took me so long to come out of the introvert closet. I think for much of my life, I have been super involved. Whether in student government, athletics or as a volunteer. I have always liked staying busy. I think that many times my desire to stay busy could very well come across to some as a tendency of an extrovert. Interesting, because this could not be further from the truth.

My involvement has caused me to really feel like I needed to be an extrovert. I realized I could play the part. I could make myself kind of an extrovert, when necessary. Like much of my personality, I am able to have on-demand traits when appropriate, necessary or when no one else is filling that "void." I think this comes from always feeling like I need to balance out those around me.

The new "majority"

I have been thinking about a lot lately. Having many conversations with Greg, with friends. After last night, I first need to do a human check, I need to do an empathy check. The first thing I tried to do last night, as a New Englander and a liberal who has often lived through defeat and come out the other side, I tried to put myself in Mitt Romney's shoes, in his supporters shoes. I tried to put myself in his staff's shoes. Regardless of who you voted for, you have a man who has basically been running for president since what, 2007? or so? He ran in 2008 and was not chosen as the nominee, but he has been running since then. You have a husband, father and grandfather who believed in his heart and in his soul that he was the man for this job. He believed he could do better and he worked tirelessly during the past at least 5 years to try and make that happen.

The quiet.....

When I was little, quiet was all I wanted. I know I have discussed my night time issues again and again, but apparently, it is something I am still working through, thinking about and processing. I would sit in my bed at night and just listen. I would listen, hoping for silence, but would always get noise.

A car driving by outside, cricks and creeks downstairs, people talking, my parents watching a scary movie. Almost anything would get me out of bed. I would get out of bed and assume my nightly position on the top of the stairs. I would sit down on the top of the stars and hug my knees close as I listened. It is amazing how much background noise you can hear when you try. I would hear what I am sure what the house settling, but in my mind it was a huge gang of burglars and they were coming to steal me, or worse kill me. I know, crazy childhood imagination, right. I always say my imagination was my best and worst friend all at the same time. During daylight hours, my imagination was spectacular. I would play and build and invent and travel to so many magical places. At night, I was a sitting duck awaiting fire, theft, kidnapping or murder, for sure.

A "have"....................

I always considered myself lucky and grateful. Knowing I never necessarily "deserved" what I had and could just have easily been born anywhere. I guess while I always knew this and knew I never deserved anything I had, I was always truly grateful for what I did have. Not that I haven't worked hard for where I am, but I had no control over where I began.

I have to admit that living through Sandy has been challenging for reasons I never imagined. I feel ridiculously guilty for sitting here on Friday evening, watching the NBC concert in my electricity-filled apartment, after recently purchasing pizza and wine from our local pizzeria and wine shop. I was able to take a subway, or bus if I wanted and never suffered any type of flood or property damage and kept our electricity and hot water for the entire storm!

Fear

Fear, I have to say, is something that ran my life, forever. I am not trying to say I currently have no fear, but I continue to work on determining the difference between rational and irrational fear, which basically boils down to those things I can control versus things I have absolutely no control over. Fear is a powerful motivator and can be found today almost everywhere you look.

As a young child, I was incredibly fearful. I know I have talked about this again and again in my blog. I think the reason I am so fascinated by my own fear is that most of it is totally irrational. I have absolutely no control over those things I fear the most. I think a part of me is also curious where exactly all of this fear came from. I know that some psychologists say we are born as a blank slate and we learn all of our hopes, dreams and fears from our family and our environment. I personally find it hard to believe that this is the case. I feel like somehow I was ingrained with a huge fear of basically "something bad happening to me."

Dress-up your princesses in pink and purple

I feel like there are more and more conversations these days about fairy tales, happy endings and the importance of how we speak to our little girls. More than ever, I am seeing articles, blogs and stories about the negative impact of little girls growing up believing that prince charming will come and rescue them (from what, I am not so sure) and the superficial "pretty" and "beautiful" compliments many little girls are accustomed to.

When I think back to my own childhood, while I know that I had plenty of Barbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, Strawberry Shortcake Dolls and My Little Ponies, I do not remember ever wanting to be a princess, or having pink as my favorite color or playing dress-up. I find gender roles and gender identity, in particular, truly fascinating.

If I die tomorrow.....

I have to admit, the magical thinker in me is a bit fearful that this blog will either cause me to jinx myself (and I actually will die tomorrow), or if nothing else trigger an anxiety attack when I suddenly begin believing that each ache, pain and quickened heart beat is in fact terminal.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how precious and fragile life is and how none of us know how much time we have left. It can be scary and it can be inspiring. It can be scary, for me anyways, because I feel like there is so much I would want my loved ones to know. You never know if you will get to say good bye and you want nothing more than for your loved ones to be ok. It scares me to think I could die and never get to say thank you, I love you, I am sorry, I forgive you or I understand.

“The $50 Lesson”

I keep seeing people share this story and it has been bothering me for weeks. It really touches my soul and really makes me uncomfortable to read. Greg keeps asking me why I let things like this get me so upset. To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much, but it just does. It makes me sad and it makes me frustrated to think that people who think this way and may know I am not a Republican feel that I somehow have a freeloading, no work ethic philosophy or mentality. It really hurts, me, it does. I think anyone that knows me would say that I am a very hard worker. That I really don't take things for granted and that I care dearly about my friends and family. I like to think they think I am a good person.

I think that this bothers me so much is because it is basically taking a shot at homeless people. Seriously? Homeless people. I understand this person was looking for a way to show and embody the "Republican Party" but to make this small girl somehow walk away thinking that her parents do not believe people should work hard, is just awful. Why would you ever do that to your friends. Why would you ever use the plight of others as a way to have a zinger moment about your friends' politics? Really??

An open letter to the undecided......

To Whom It May Concern:

Well,  here I go, breaking my promise to not pull politics into my blog. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, in this ever more and more polarized world, I truly believe it is just as difficult to change someone's political beliefs as it is to change someone's religious beliefs, so I never even try. That being said, I feel like I need to do something...

Politics today is an entirely new animal. You are able to feed your personal beliefs 24 hours a day, seven days a week, if you want. You can find blogs, websites, tv stations and articles to back-up every belief you have. Whether or not it is accurate, you can find an article to back up your "beliefs." I think much of politics is honestly opinion sold as "facts." There are some things, clearly, that we have some historical perspective on (what works and what does not), some that IS scientific, but much of politics is kind of about your own philosophy and beliefs about how people should function and ultimately what role religion and the government should play in shaping how people are able to function. Let's face it, that is really what everything comes down to, the official role of religion and the role of government.

Mind over matter.....

I have been having some very bizarre and vivid dreams lately. I think dreams really are fascinating. To that, I think sleep is really quite fascinating, as well. It is amazing to me that the human body is able to pretty much shut down each evening, find time to rest, relax and recharge for the next day. It is amazing to me that sleep happens, really crazy when you stop and think about it, and even more amazing what our brains and unconscious are able to do during these 7-8 hours each evening.

Even more amazing, perhaps, is how a lack of sleep affects me, personally. When I haven't gotten at least a good 4-5 hours on any given night I feel a real inability to function. I find it hard to think, my anxiety is more prone to get triggered and I find it hard to make sound decisions, I find it hard to have a intelligent conversation and I often find it difficult to make "decent" food choices. It is like the more tired I am, the less I am able to function at a high level, all around.

The king, the queen and their court

I am not quite sure how to write this blog without coming across as holding onto the past way too much and being totally and completely ridiculous and a dash pathetic. At the same time, I figure why not? At this point I have already written about quite a few things I cannot believe and shared more than I ever imagined. Why not open it up to one of the most ridiculous, uncomfortable and predictable rights of passage I willingly participated in during high school.

The what ifs......

I know it is extremely dangerous to even begin to walk down this path. The science geek in me likes to think there are multiple universes out there and in each universe there is a slightly altered version of Patty, living out each scenario and each alternative. It can be maddening at times, to even go through this thought experiment, because truth is, you will never know what would have been if you had gone left instead of right, if you had said "no", instead of "yes", if you had calmed down just a second before making a rash decision that could have ultimately changed your entire life.

The day....

I am not totally comfortable with sappiness, however, I have to admit, I have been thinking about "the day" forever.

Growing up, I often thought about the day and tried to guess and imagine who I would be at the alter with. For awhile it was Peter Brady, then it was Mikey from Goonies, then it was Jake Ryan, then it was Jordan Knight, Brian Austin Greene, and then Howie Day. Now, of course these were only my celebrity crushes and I knew deep down none of them were actually going to happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't dream.

I would also be lying if I didn't admit that there were others. Some that I was fairly confident about, but again, as "the friend" none of them ever happened either, but I cannot pretend that there weren't really strong feelings and thoughts that I had already met the person I was going to marry, they just hadn't realized it. All that being said, life moves on, things happen and come to find out, I was wrong about all of them.

Fighting instincts.....

So much about my life lately seems to be working really hard to NOT do something. For me, as of late, it feels more and more like I am doing nothing but constantly fighting my instincts.

If I was an animal out in the wild, I am not sure how I would react to my animal instincts. I assume there are things that animals do find as instinctual (hence animal instincts), all things survival I suppose. However, I don't know that animals worry about being in shape or watching their weight. I also don't know that animals worry about what others think about them. Animals don't have anything else affecting their instincts, they aren't pausing to think and consider, they just do--I assume? Health and well being aside, I often wonder if we are better or worse off for having the ability to fight our instinct? What causes me as a human to no longer trust that my instincts have my best interset at heart? I have no doubt this evolutionary necessity has become wrapped up and confused with human desires. No wonder I feel like I am fighting what I call instincts, they probably are not actually instincts at all, perhaps desires is more appropriate.

I am going to continue to use the word instinct as that is my instinct :)

Manners...more than please and thank you....

Short rant of the night....

As I find myself in this world I run into so many mad and angry people. I run into so many people who are so rude to others and clueless about how their presence and attitude may affect those around them. They appear to have a sense of entitlement that I just don't understand, a sense that the world revolves around them and they are somehow better and more important than every one else around them.

When you are growing up you are always taught to say "please" and "thank you". Sometimes I think this is all people took from their childhood. They can remember to say please and they can remember to say thank you, but they have no concept about empathy, genuine kindness and caring or regard for others. They often cannot see past their own noses and when it comes right down to it, they just do not care, in general.

Dreams of my grandmother...

Blog ideas have been coming full force as I navigate through life these days. Sometime I really wish I could just write all day, but weekends and evenings will have to do,  for now.

I had an extremely vivid dream last week. I had a dream Greg and I were driving past my Grandmother's house in Linwood. We were kind of  almost surveying her, in that we could see her, but she couldn't see us. As we drove by, I noticed she looked incredibly happy. She was actually driving my Papa's car around their yard. Now, for anyone who knew my Grandmother, this was totally out of character, as my Grandmother, as far as I know, never had her license. She was, I think, afraid to drive. It was amazing to see her driving around and so much more carefree than I remember her being. I am not sure if there is more of a backstory to that?

Sound the alarm.....

I have always had a deep appreciation for sleep, even when I feared it. Some may say I come from a long line of nappers. We are all quite good at taking naps. The ironic part is that for most of my childhood going to bed was the worst thing in the world. Being afraid of the dark and never quite understanding what "sleep" was, going to bed was a nightly battle that I feared. It was a battle I dealt with by reading all night, keeping the lights on and when over friends' houses, either staying up late watching "Amazing Discoveries" or when all else failed, call my parents at 3 a.m. to have them come pick me up. They were wonderful to let me continue to try to sleep over my friends' houses. Funniest part, I would just get home to  not sleep there either.

Like a baby without a bottle.....

My entire life I knew that I responded to food differently than most. When I ate something, I didn't just enjoy its taste and its flavors, I actually had additional feelings come along with the enjoyment of the food itself. I always refer to really good food as the food that makes me dance in my seat. This often happens when I have some amazing wine, cheese, bread and crackers, or an amazing steak at Del Frisco's. There is just some food out there that makes me respond in this way, regardless of when I eat it.

As a pretty much life-long Weight Watchers member (started for the first time in the 6th grade), I have always known that I had a difficult time with food. It wasn't until this past year, that I realized that there was more to it that just liking to eat and having trouble with portion control and binging. 

Thank you, Mr. President....

I feel like this letter could probably be written to most Presidents for one reason or another by somebody at some point in time in their life. I feel like you write a letter to your President when you are in first grade, when the President is pretty much the cooleest person ever. I feel like you then maybe write a letter to the President when you are in high school and you first start to understand the world, our country and your place in it. I feel like the only other time you may write a letter to the President is if you are struggling or perhaps really trying to voice a concern or an idea you may have.

I was truly fascinated by the President growing up. I didn't totally understand the three branches of government and never fully understood how all three "worked" together, but I remember the President was an exciting concept to me. It sounded very sexy when I was little. How amazing and exciting to have so much power and to get to make decisions and "rule" the world. Granted, this was all totally naive and from a little kids perspective.

Lovefest....

I am really struggling with what to call this blog, what I anticipate to be a short, realization-type blog. 

For the past few years, I have really been working on myself, a lot. I have done a lot of soul searching, counseling, meditating, attending services at All Souls, reading and talking to the universe (energy in and energy out). Most recently I have noticed that much of what made me "uniquely me," had faded.

Three Years and Five Days

Another poem written a few years back. I think many of us struggle with sibling rivalry.  Important to note that this is clearly all my own perception and my own feelings. I have worked on myself a lot over the past few years. Katey and I often talk about our similarities and differences and love each other dearly, not to say sibling rivalry didn't exist. 

For all of the parents out there, how do you deal with this? My parents had nothing but love and support for me, yet I felt this way as a child. What can I do when I have children to ensure this isn't a cycle??

Three Years and Five Days

Same man, same woman, three years and five days later

Same family, same clothes--in the beginning

Same school system, same town under the same sky

Eyes towards the heavens gazing at the stars

Nature versus nurture…the answer becomes clearer.

Night

 A few years back, I wrote some poems, I may use this blog as a way to share some of them. I have never shared them before, so please, be gentle.... This first poem is trying to capture the fear and difficulty I have always had with the dark, night and trying to sleep. 

I am sometimes still unsure how I survived those scary, sleepless nights.  The amount of fear I had as a child makes me sad. It makes me wish I could hug my 8 year old self. While things are a bit better, to this day, I struggle with the night

Night

the sun sets behind the clouds

looking up at the sky i smile

morphing as i walk up my stairs to bed

slowly…….

Rootstrikers

Part of me hates that I find myself writing a blog while on vacation, but I guess it goes to show that I find this to be important enough to brain dump as quickly as possible. Not only am I on vacation, but this is my last night here in Hampton Beach, NH.

I have alluded to Lawrence Lessig in previous blogs. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. Lessig, I highly suggest you look him up. An Intellectual Property lawyer and professor, by trade, turned into a political activist I highly admire. I was lucky enough to see him speak at All Souls last year and have been a witness to the adorableness of watching Greg look up to him for years.

Mr. Lessig is most recently known for his stance on money in politics. More specifically, for his arguments for the need to get money 100% out of politics, and elections more specifically. There are numerous lectures on-line  you can watch to learn more about Mr. Lessig, his stance and his Rootstriker mentality http://www.rootstrikers.org.

Basically the thought is that until you find the root of any problem and are able to strike down the problem at its root cause, it will continue to be a problem. I feel like there are so many major issues in the world we are all afraid or unwilling to discuss. We don't take the time to think about what the root cause of any problem is, so we try and attack the peripheral issues, never ever solving the root issue.  Mr. Lessig (and I) believe that with all of the corruption in politics, the low levels of confidence in congress, the stalemate that Washington has currently perfected, the lackluster amount of those who vote in elections (after so many fought and died for the right to vote), the root problem to all of this in money in elections and money in politics. People feel like their vote doesn't matter and won't make a difference because they know that in the end, big money usually wins.

What 5 year olds teach me

A more appropriate title for this blog is probably, what kids teach me, but I figured I would narrow it down a bit more, as kids can be a bit harder to define.

I feel like I spent my entire childhood wishing away the wonderful moments. I couldn't wait until I could go on dates, I couldn't wait until I could drive a car,  I couldn't wait until I lived on my own, I couldn't wait until I had no curfew, could drink, could vote, could go to college, could get married and could have kids. From the time I was about 10 years old, I feel like I spent my entire childhood waiting for the next big moment. The next big event. I was always living for that next moment.

I look back on those years wishing I had fully enjoyed and embraced my ability to live in the moment and just be a kid. Sure, other than excitedly awaiting my birthday and Christmas each year, I think I did a pretty good job living in the moment when I was under 10. Kid enough to not yet realize the things I was supposed to feel like I was missing out on. I often feel very grateful that I was the oldest child in my immediate family, at least I didn't have an older sibling making me wish I would grow up even faster, even more so than I already was. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of friends with older siblings that gave me glimpses of the life I had to look forward to, when I was in middle school (that infamous 8th grade dinner dance), when I was in high school and all of the parties (ha ha that never happened), sports and proms and then when I was in college.

Umbrellas

I truly look forward to this post, in large part because it is meant to be a very lighthearted one. My recent blog posts have been very real and raw. I have opened myself up in new ways and it has all been a bit scary and a bit freeing, all at the same time. As the title shows you, this isn't a deep post. We shall see how this all goes as I try to type with an ice pack on my wounded robo-cop type hand.

There are so many wonderful things about NYC, many of which I have already addressed in past posts. There is one aspect of NYC living that I am not sure many realize. Growing up in a small town, we would drive pretty much everywhere, aside from walking or running around the loop and on the field, court or diamond. If we needed to pick something up at CVS, we would drive, if we wanted to get groceries, we would drive. I am sure I owned an umbrella in high school and college, but I don't particularly remember owning one. I always knew I never had to walk further than the distance from the car door to the front door of wherever I was headed. I never needed to really worry about the weather, except for the excitement that would come along with possible snow days and those freezing field hockey and softball games that would occur in the rain and cold.

Break-through

This blog initially came to me while I was walking home one evening. As I was strolling along listening to the classic "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town", I am sure, I noticed a plant that was growing through the side walk. I am sure we have all see these little victories of nature. Roots pushing up sidewalks, trees growing around rocks to reach towards that life-sustaining sun and in my case, a little plant that had broken its way through the sidewalk. It had a will to live, for sure.

It really made me start to think about how amazing and powerful nature can be. Areas that are devastated by natural and human disasters, from tornadoes, earthquakes, floods and fires to heck, nuclear meltdowns.  Each of these present their own challenges and take a toll on human life, emotions and our willingness to have hope. Most recently we have even been suffering from lack of mother nature, the droughts across this country are crippling and devastating and we will all certainly be feeling the pain at the grocery store this fall when food prices rise.

I disappoint myself....

I have really been attempting to stay true to the inspiration. Meaning, when I get an idea for a blog, I write it down/text or e-mail it to myself and then add it to the long list of "topics" I want to discuss, at some point in time. I have been trying to stay true in keeping the order in which things come to me. For the first time, I am breaking order and I am going to write about an experience I had last night.

I am really nervous about writing this blog, as it is almost like holding up a mirror to myself and seeing things that I really do not like that really make me nervous and honestly make me quite embarrassed.

My "religion"

Well, I guess here goes any chance I have for being future President of the United States, or any elected office for that matter.

So I have to be honest here, this is the blog post that brings the most anxiety. This anxiety stems from a few places, no doubt a large portion coming from that Catholic guilt I perfected as a child.

I think I should say upfront, that I am not intending to offend or claiming to be "correct" in anything that I state. I think that is actually one of the biggest challenges with religion, everyone thinks and feels that they are "correct." How can everyone be "correct"? You believe what you believe, that is all you can say, really. Your beliefs work for you and in that way, they are correct. As in you have correctly found what works for you. That is all I am doing here, I am stating that I have correctly found what works for me, and me alone.  I am making no claims to be "right." I am continuing to use this blog as an exercise to learn about myself and discover my passion. Part of this journey, has been thinking more about what I believe about life and in general.

Enough

Enough, what does enough mean to you? I honestly find a real danger in this. I have been delaying this blog post mainly because I cannot seem to find the quote I really wanted to highlight. I found a few good ones to string within the post and am hopefully perhaps I will come across it at some point in time.

My blog topics often come to me out of nowhere. Sometimes it is when I see an injustice, sometimes it is when a friend or co-workers happens to say something that really captures my interest, sometimes it  is when I see a memorable or inspirational story or quote, and yes, sometimes it comes to me at 4:00 a.m. 

I often think about the word "enough" and what is fosters inside of me when I say it and hear it. I feel like it is utilized in a multitude of ways, often quantifiable, expressing contentment, frustration or perhaps even longing. Often associated with what you view to be what are entitled to and how you measure up to your desires: do you have enough food, enough clothes, enough money, enough friends, enough children, enough animals, enough politics, enough education, etc. In this way it is refereing to quanitiy, you have "enough" of something to fill whatever void or quota you had or perhaps whatever you feel you should be entitled to. Or, more commonly, you don't have enough, it is just never enough...

Pat, Patty, Patricia

Wow, it has been awhile since I have been able to post a blog, I have to admit, I kind of miss the massive brain dumps. This past month has been a bit crazy. I hate using that as an excuse to not prioritize those things that matter most, but unfortunately it is the case.

Along with not posting any blogs in awhile, my travels have caused me to temporarily also put Weight Watchers journey on-hold. I didn't do too bad for myself these past 3+ weeks traveling, however, I am looking at this upcoming Saturday as my day to become a born again WW member, well at least until I Greg and I head to Hampton Beach.

I am kind of looking at the summer as a time to maintain. I would love to lose another 5 lbs this summer, but I would even be happy with maintenance this summer. I feel like the summer is the hardest for me, even more difficult than the winter, which is crazy. I think it is the outdoor cafes, constant desire  for wine and cheese and the muggy, hot weather that all hinder my weigh loss opportunities. I know none of these are good excuses and it isn't like Greg and I have been good about cooking lately, but there is nothing that makes me want to cook less than a hot and humid NYC evening. Our apartment is hot enough, never mind what putting the stove, or let alone oven would do. It is bad enough after taking showers. Again, all not good excuses, but I am proud of myself for having a goal for this summer. I am not expecting to lose much more than 5 lbs this summer and then hoping to pick things back up after Labor Day and begin to get closer and closer to goal. It is still a bit scary for me to say that out loud.

Math, science and sneakers

Well, this is the part where I mention the name of my blog in a post, so stay tuned.

Since the moment I moved to NYC I felt like I just did not fit into the stereotypical NYC mold. I did not align with the vision of a NYer you get when you close your eyes.

I often find myself walking around the city in awe. It still takes me a moment to truly believe that I live here. Apparently for good reason as I still run into people from my past who also get a very confused look on their faces when I say that I live in NYC. "You mean, in the city, the city?" I always reply with a resounding and apparently shocking "Yes! in Manhattan!" I am not totally sure for the reasoning for people's confusion, but I think part of it is that I grew up in a fairly small town in MA and the other part is just because the person I "was", growing up in that small town. I believe I even got the infamous "out of everyone, I never imagined YOU would end up in NYC!"

I am honestly amused by all of this and it makes me feel a little proud that at least I am still able to surprise people.

"Just a non-profit"

I am not sure how long this is really going to be after a few fun drinks, including one from an actual full coconut and a glass of Veuve Cliquot. Additionally, I am, for the first time going out of order of my upcoming posts. So far, I have found myself coming up with topics I want to discuss. Sometimes at 3:30 a.m., sometimes while at my desk and sometimes on the subway. This is the first one that came to me that I felt so strongly about I needed to address immediately, rather than commenting on the next one in the queue.

So, I was lucky enough to attend an event for my alma mater tonight, Wheaton College. I was lucky enough to get to run into some amazing people I have met over the years and hear an amazing discussion about the importance of philanthropy, how everyone can make a difference.

During the entire mingling, drinking and networking phase, I always find myself shrinking. I find myself shrinking way down. Thinking, what can I offer, what can I give? When people ask me who I am and what I do, I am almost enraged at myself at what I say, again and again. "I just work at a non-profit."

Mind, body and spirit

I don't know why this concept is so challenging for me to hold onto, grasp and really swallow down into my soul. When I want to feel my best, I need to focus on my mind, my body and my spirit. It is never enough to focus on just one, I never feel "happy" when just one is in check. Yet, again and again, I am amazed and surprised when I suddenly feel balanced and able to be present in each and every moment when I find myself nurturing each of these and putting the energy into each, as I so should.

Body:

So, while I prefer the phrase "Mind, body and spirit," I am going to focus in on the aspect that seems to have the most pull over me, my body. I think for many of us, we focus mostly on our bodies. My body has been an ongoing, very conscious and out there battle. Since I can remember, I have been concerned about issues of weight and appearance. It is the issue that on the onset, appears to be the easiest to address. But, as I have mentioned before, it can be part of the initiative, but it cannot be the only initiative. I think it is safe to say that many of us that struggle with weight also have other stressors, concerns, or deeper lying challenges that will not simply go away with weight loss.

Coloring books, SpaghettiOs and The Goonies

Well, it looks like my path to finding my passion will continue to include random 5 a.m. bursts of energy with random rambling thoughts. I always hated the part of writing reports that consisted of outlining your thoughts and arguments. It always felt so unnatural to me. I know there is a very clear and real need and reason to utilize it, however, rambling works best for me to get my thoughts out, in the moment.

Luckily for me, the ability to wake-up nightly, at some point between 3:30 and 5:00 a.m., at least once, is pretty much a guarantee. I often wonder if there is a reason I wake up every night, at least once. I am sure there have been a few occasions when I successful slept through an entire evening, but I am pretty sure the word I should have used in these rare instances was "passed out." Don't get me wrong, I wasn't really a "passed out" kind of person. There is very little I don't "remember" from college, but lets say that even today 3-4 glasses of wine on any given evening can help me, but once again, only until that magic 5 o'clock hour.

As a child I had a real issue, an embarrassing issue that often made sleeping over challenging. Now, while I was and still am petrified of the dark, and while I may not have been 12 or 13 until I finally had successful runs of sleeping over friends houses, wetting the bed was another challenge I faced as a child. I honestly do not remember how old I was when I finally stopped, but I honestly think this is where my night-time wakes ups came from. I had a lot of challenges with sleep when I little. Dorothy's mantra was "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" Well, mine would have been "Earaches and bed wetting and the dark, oh my!"

Be the change .......a work in progress

I apologize in advance for posting this a bit prematurely. I am only hoping it inspries me to complete my rantings. I normally get all fired up about something and then I lose the inspiration and don't complete my thoughts. Here's to hoping a premature post will inspire actual completion, for once!

Be the change

Leotards, tutus and bathing suits


One of my most favorite quotes of all time is “You must be the change you want to see in the world,” said so famously by Mahatma Gandhi. I couldn’t agree with this sentiment more, I only wish I knew exactly how to “be the change.”


I spend so much time feeling like there is something else I am supposed to be doing, something I am passionate about. I spend so much time daydreaming about this “life,” yet I struggle trying to describe it to others. I find myself saying, I wish I could discover my true passion in life. When I am then confronted about what that would look like, I honestly have a hard time explaining it. Let’s face it, I have no idea.


From as early as I can remember I have struggled with confidence and conflict. You may consider both of these challenges to be some type of stunt of growth during my childhood. I am sure some of it came from when I was younger, but I know that being a woman did not help, either.