Send love and release

Holy shit/shift, it has almost been a year since I have written a blog!?!? There was a period of time where I was good for a few blogs a week. There was a period of time where I had so much to get out of my head and so much I was working on that it almost felt like blogging was my full time job--I wish. As with many people struggling with their own mental health challenges, sometimes getting and feeling better brings about a reduction in creative and artistic output. There are always the "stories" you hear about famous artists, writers, mathematicians, etc. who would have likely been diagnosed with "something" today but that "something" allowed them to produce and create and solve the most wonderful, amazing and incredible things.

Struggling to find the divine within

I put on the coral maxi dress and ran right into my bedroom. It felt cute and flowing and soo very comfortable. It felt like it fit good, no, I take that back, it felt like it fit great. Maybe a bit snug in the chest, but what else was new with my linebacker-like back and shoulders.

I ran in the bedroom so excited to see my reflection. I felt pretty. I felt like this was going to be a keeper.

My crazy ass mind

I have been blogging since 2009. My blog's content, quality and frequency of posts appears to ebb and flow depending on how crazy my mind is being. I say "crazy" with all the love in the world for my mind, but that doesn't mean it isn't crazy just the same. As I type my 79th blog entry, I appreciate and take a moment to reflect on all the crazy I have gotten out of my mind and want to pass along a genuine appreciation for your willingness to scroll through my thoughts, even if it was just once for a moment. I write my blog in the hopes of helping someone have to struggle one less day than I have. When I say "struggle" I am referring to all of the personal growth that has happened since 2009. I know I have learned a lot, but my real hope and dream is to guide others through their own personal journey and be a sounding board for ideas, encouragement and inspiration.

The Re-Independence of Patty

So, I had always thought of myself as a very independent person. I never had a boyfriend growing up, in middle school, high school or even college. This "freedom" definitely allowed me to schedule my own time however I saw fit and with really no concerns or regard for anyone.

Now, I don't mean for that to sound callus, and I also don't mean to insinuate that people that had boyfriends weren't independent, I am just reflecting here.

It took me 34 years to finally.....

It took me 34 years to finally.......watch the sun rise.

I am fairly confident I have been up and outside when the sun is rising, multiple times. This, however, was different. This was watching with a sense of purpose, a sense of gratitude and a real sense of amazement. It was really awe inspiring and breath taking to be outside with the sole intention of watching the sun rise. I am grateful to have started off my day in this way and I certainly look forward to doing it again soon!

My crazy ass on birth control....

Now before I get started, please know this is in no way an anti birth control blog. Anyone that knows me knows that I support Planned Parenthood, a women's right to choose, birth control, sex education in our schools and educating your children about how to have sex responsibly, from an early age. This blog is just my small attempt to try and have us, as women, start to think more about how we are feeling every day, how we should expect to be able to feel and not be so afraid to speak up and ask questions when we don't feel our best.

I want a label...but not that one......

So the past three weeks have been challenging, frustrating, scary, confusing, inspiring, and hopeful. For the first time, in a long time, I find myself wanting a label....but not that one....

You see, for the past three weeks, I have been going on a "fun" and "eventful" journey. I have to frame it this way or it makes me want to pull my hair out. The journey, let's just call it, "What Patty should do to feel her best." I was going to initially call the journey "what is wrong with Patty," but I really don't think there is anything wrong with me. This is all a journey for me to try and figure out how I can feel my best. What I can do to wake up feeling good, feel motivated throughout the day, not feel anxious, eat well, and be healthy.

Just a little push......

I have been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. Thinking about all of the wonderful memories, the challenges, the days I thought "nothing can be worse than this." Looking back now, there was a lot that happened, but there wasn't anything I didn't make it through---obviously here I am today, writing about it all. At the time it can be really difficult to see the lesson or to even begin to imagine life will get better. It can be so hard to try and realize that each interaction can really be treated as an opportunity to learn and grow.

A super dooper day

The older I get the more I realize it is truly the little things in life that make each day. It is truly the special moments and little victories that may me smile and make each day memorable.

I often hear that Americans live to work, versus much of the rest of the world, that work to live. I have really been trying to focus on the hours spent out of work lately. I still am not great at making the most out of the pre 8 a.m. and post 6:30 p.m. hours each day, but I am trying to really start thinking about how to make the most of my non-working hours. That is, until I can figure out a way to shrink those working hours even more. How can I be more motivated and energized before and after work to not fall into the nightly food and t.v. commas. How can I resist the urge to get home and put my slippers and p.j.'s on immediately? How can I maximize every moment of this wondrous life I have?

Questions of the day....

Another blog that is going to be a challenge to write, but it is something I have been thinking about and talking about with those closest to me for so long, why not send it out into the intranets :) This is going to be a very personal post for me, so please, as always, be gentle.

As a small child, I feel like the only questions I was ever asked were about, what I wanted for Christmas. I am sure there may have been some questions about what I wanted for lunch, or what I wanted to wear, but I feel like more often or not, my Mom decided that for me. I can still remember getting the huge toy catalog that would come each year. I can remember flipping through it for hours, looking to see what I wanted Santa to bring me that year. I had so much fun looking through the catalog and I can remember circling items, folding down pages, etc. It was truly a sad day when I was no longer able to find anything I wanted and equally sad when I was no longer excited to receive the catalog.

If I die tomorrow.....

I have to admit, the magical thinker in me is a bit fearful that this blog will either cause me to jinx myself (and I actually will die tomorrow), or if nothing else trigger an anxiety attack when I suddenly begin believing that each ache, pain and quickened heart beat is in fact terminal.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how precious and fragile life is and how none of us know how much time we have left. It can be scary and it can be inspiring. It can be scary, for me anyways, because I feel like there is so much I would want my loved ones to know. You never know if you will get to say good bye and you want nothing more than for your loved ones to be ok. It scares me to think I could die and never get to say thank you, I love you, I am sorry, I forgive you or I understand.

The day....

I am not totally comfortable with sappiness, however, I have to admit, I have been thinking about "the day" forever.

Growing up, I often thought about the day and tried to guess and imagine who I would be at the alter with. For awhile it was Peter Brady, then it was Mikey from Goonies, then it was Jake Ryan, then it was Jordan Knight, Brian Austin Greene, and then Howie Day. Now, of course these were only my celebrity crushes and I knew deep down none of them were actually going to happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't dream.

I would also be lying if I didn't admit that there were others. Some that I was fairly confident about, but again, as "the friend" none of them ever happened either, but I cannot pretend that there weren't really strong feelings and thoughts that I had already met the person I was going to marry, they just hadn't realized it. All that being said, life moves on, things happen and come to find out, I was wrong about all of them.

I disappoint myself....

I have really been attempting to stay true to the inspiration. Meaning, when I get an idea for a blog, I write it down/text or e-mail it to myself and then add it to the long list of "topics" I want to discuss, at some point in time. I have been trying to stay true in keeping the order in which things come to me. For the first time, I am breaking order and I am going to write about an experience I had last night.

I am really nervous about writing this blog, as it is almost like holding up a mirror to myself and seeing things that I really do not like that really make me nervous and honestly make me quite embarrassed.

My "religion"

Well, I guess here goes any chance I have for being future President of the United States, or any elected office for that matter.

So I have to be honest here, this is the blog post that brings the most anxiety. This anxiety stems from a few places, no doubt a large portion coming from that Catholic guilt I perfected as a child.

I think I should say upfront, that I am not intending to offend or claiming to be "correct" in anything that I state. I think that is actually one of the biggest challenges with religion, everyone thinks and feels that they are "correct." How can everyone be "correct"? You believe what you believe, that is all you can say, really. Your beliefs work for you and in that way, they are correct. As in you have correctly found what works for you. That is all I am doing here, I am stating that I have correctly found what works for me, and me alone.  I am making no claims to be "right." I am continuing to use this blog as an exercise to learn about myself and discover my passion. Part of this journey, has been thinking more about what I believe about life and in general.