Friday, September 28, 2012

The day....

I am not totally comfortable with sappiness, however, I have to admit, I have been thinking about "the day" forever.

Growing up, I often thought about the day and tried to guess and imagine who I would be at the alter with. For awhile it was Peter Brady, then it was Mikey from Goonies, then it was Jake Ryan, then it was Jordan Knight, Brian Austin Greene, and then Howie Day. Now, of course these were only my celebrity crushes and I knew deep down none of them were actually going to happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't dream.

I would also be lying if I didn't admit that there were others. Some that I was fairly confident about, but again, as "the friend" none of them ever happened either, but I cannot pretend that there weren't really strong feelings and thoughts that I had already met the person I was going to marry, they just hadn't realized it. All that being said, life moves on, things happen and come to find out, I was wrong about all of them.

September 2001, for what felt like the first time ever, my telling someone I liked them actually resulted in a reciprocated response and I am so glad it did. Now, I am not going to bore anyone by rehashing the last 11 years of Greg and I's relationship. There have been so many amazing times, memories, and of course hard times and struggles, taboot. I could really get corny about my love and appreciation for Greg, my amazement at the things he has to put up with and his ability to calm me down and always make me feel like everything will be ok. He truly is my best friend and for that, I am forever grateful. All that being said, it makes it kind of difficult for me to really concentrate on just "one day" the way that I feel like I am supposed to.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am super excited to have a party (I like to think of it that way) and see all of my family and my few closest friends that mean the most to me. I am super excited to officially spend the rest of my life with Greg, but that is just the thing, even if we never got married, I have no doubt we would have been together. The thing is, we have already spent about 4,000 days of our lives together and by the time the wedding rolls around another 365 added to that, maybe not physically together, but in a committed relationship.

For many years everyone was asking us, why we weren't getting married yet. Why we were together for so long and still unmarried. What were we waiting for. As people got married around us, siblings included, I have to admit, sometimes it was a challenge. Sometimes it was a challenge to see everyone else go through the "process" except for us. In the end, looking back over everything, I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. Greg and I always knew we wanted to be more settled before we took the next step. We wanted to try and find a way to ensure we were both stable and able to be independent before we got married. I think the timing is actually perfect. I was able to get out of some credit card debt, get more stable in my career, save for the wedding, Greg was able to find a job and get more comfortable as well. In the end, this will allow us time to save and a way to move forward in a bit of a better place.

I get the tradition behind the day, I get the excitement about the day, I just want to ensure I don't lose the importance of the relationship or the excitement of our life together after. It really isn't about a day after all, it is really about what comes after that day.

I am super excited about our venue, I am super excited about the day we have begun planning, I am super excited about seeing everyone and of course, super excited about marrying Greg. All that being said, as someone who isn't all that comfortable with crowds or being the center of attention, part of me is fearful of the day and isn't quite sure how this is all going to work out. I am hopeful that I can find the perfect balance of champagne that allows me to be happy, comfortable, avoid anxiety, redness and be perfectly functional. I want to enjoy the day, try and be somewhat relaxed on the day, and obviously remember the day. I think more than anything, though, I just want everyone else to have a good time.

I am a horrible host because I am always so much more worried about everyone else than I am myself. I remember having so many b-day parties in the summer growing up and always being so miserable. I was never very good at it because I wanted everyone to have a good time and I just always felt so uncomfortable. I have to remember it isn't my personal responsibility to ensure everyone is entertained and having a good time. Of course I want everyone to enjoy themselves, but I don't know that weddings were ever meant to entertain the masses? Some people love them, some people hate them, some people love buffets, some people hate them, some people love outdoor ceremonies, some people hate them, some people love dancing, some people hate dancing, some people love group dances, some people hate them, some people love having cupcakes instead of a wedding cake, some people hate that, some people love bridal parties, some people hate them, some people enjoy having to travel for a wedding, some people hate that. I have to just be ok with all of this, because in the end, it isn't about the day, or the party, or how bad or good the food is, or, I am sorry, how happy or miserable anyone else may be, it is really about Greg and I getting to another chapter in our life together.

Not to digress too much, but it really is interesting to look back at myself throughout my teen, high school, college years and even into my late 20's. I am honestly a totally different person right now. I am grateful for the time I had to grow and mature and begin to understand what is really important. I am grateful I found a way to have confidence in myself despite some of the challenges I went through. I am proud to have come out on the other side and am excited to say that life just continues to get better each and every year. I have found a way to be confident in my thoughts, beliefs and most importantly, in myself.

I really hope we are able to enjoy the countdown and the planning. I really do hope the level of drama is kept to a minimum and that everyone is able to remember this is one day, only one day (Greg and I included). It may rain, my dress may rip, my make-up may run, I may be red from anxiety in all of our pictures, some people may get lost, many won't be able to come and something is certain to go wrong with set-up, decorations, food or venue. I am hopeful I am able to embrace and enjoy the good and the bad and just know that whatever happens it will all be a part of the memory of our wedding and we will love it, regardless.

I am hopeful we will find a way to ensure the wedding reflects us and stay uniquely and genuinely Greg and Patty throughout the process. I am hopeful we will not get wrapped-up in the unimportant things and just find a way to focus on what matters most, everything after the wedding--the marriage and partnership.

The countdown has official begun, September 28, 2013, here we come.

and that's all she wrote...

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