Fear

Fear, I have to say, is something that ran my life, forever. I am not trying to say I currently have no fear, but I continue to work on determining the difference between rational and irrational fear, which basically boils down to those things I can control versus things I have absolutely no control over. Fear is a powerful motivator and can be found today almost everywhere you look.

As a young child, I was incredibly fearful. I know I have talked about this again and again in my blog. I think the reason I am so fascinated by my own fear is that most of it is totally irrational. I have absolutely no control over those things I fear the most. I think a part of me is also curious where exactly all of this fear came from. I know that some psychologists say we are born as a blank slate and we learn all of our hopes, dreams and fears from our family and our environment. I personally find it hard to believe that this is the case. I feel like somehow I was ingrained with a huge fear of basically "something bad happening to me."

Dress-up your princesses in pink and purple

I feel like there are more and more conversations these days about fairy tales, happy endings and the importance of how we speak to our little girls. More than ever, I am seeing articles, blogs and stories about the negative impact of little girls growing up believing that prince charming will come and rescue them (from what, I am not so sure) and the superficial "pretty" and "beautiful" compliments many little girls are accustomed to.

When I think back to my own childhood, while I know that I had plenty of Barbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, Strawberry Shortcake Dolls and My Little Ponies, I do not remember ever wanting to be a princess, or having pink as my favorite color or playing dress-up. I find gender roles and gender identity, in particular, truly fascinating.

If I die tomorrow.....

I have to admit, the magical thinker in me is a bit fearful that this blog will either cause me to jinx myself (and I actually will die tomorrow), or if nothing else trigger an anxiety attack when I suddenly begin believing that each ache, pain and quickened heart beat is in fact terminal.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how precious and fragile life is and how none of us know how much time we have left. It can be scary and it can be inspiring. It can be scary, for me anyways, because I feel like there is so much I would want my loved ones to know. You never know if you will get to say good bye and you want nothing more than for your loved ones to be ok. It scares me to think I could die and never get to say thank you, I love you, I am sorry, I forgive you or I understand.

“The $50 Lesson”

I keep seeing people share this story and it has been bothering me for weeks. It really touches my soul and really makes me uncomfortable to read. Greg keeps asking me why I let things like this get me so upset. To be honest, I am not sure why it bothers me so much, but it just does. It makes me sad and it makes me frustrated to think that people who think this way and may know I am not a Republican feel that I somehow have a freeloading, no work ethic philosophy or mentality. It really hurts, me, it does. I think anyone that knows me would say that I am a very hard worker. That I really don't take things for granted and that I care dearly about my friends and family. I like to think they think I am a good person.

I think that this bothers me so much is because it is basically taking a shot at homeless people. Seriously? Homeless people. I understand this person was looking for a way to show and embody the "Republican Party" but to make this small girl somehow walk away thinking that her parents do not believe people should work hard, is just awful. Why would you ever do that to your friends. Why would you ever use the plight of others as a way to have a zinger moment about your friends' politics? Really??

An open letter to the undecided......

To Whom It May Concern:

Well,  here I go, breaking my promise to not pull politics into my blog. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, in this ever more and more polarized world, I truly believe it is just as difficult to change someone's political beliefs as it is to change someone's religious beliefs, so I never even try. That being said, I feel like I need to do something...

Politics today is an entirely new animal. You are able to feed your personal beliefs 24 hours a day, seven days a week, if you want. You can find blogs, websites, tv stations and articles to back-up every belief you have. Whether or not it is accurate, you can find an article to back up your "beliefs." I think much of politics is honestly opinion sold as "facts." There are some things, clearly, that we have some historical perspective on (what works and what does not), some that IS scientific, but much of politics is kind of about your own philosophy and beliefs about how people should function and ultimately what role religion and the government should play in shaping how people are able to function. Let's face it, that is really what everything comes down to, the official role of religion and the role of government.

Mind over matter.....

I have been having some very bizarre and vivid dreams lately. I think dreams really are fascinating. To that, I think sleep is really quite fascinating, as well. It is amazing to me that the human body is able to pretty much shut down each evening, find time to rest, relax and recharge for the next day. It is amazing to me that sleep happens, really crazy when you stop and think about it, and even more amazing what our brains and unconscious are able to do during these 7-8 hours each evening.

Even more amazing, perhaps, is how a lack of sleep affects me, personally. When I haven't gotten at least a good 4-5 hours on any given night I feel a real inability to function. I find it hard to think, my anxiety is more prone to get triggered and I find it hard to make sound decisions, I find it hard to have a intelligent conversation and I often find it difficult to make "decent" food choices. It is like the more tired I am, the less I am able to function at a high level, all around.

The king, the queen and their court

I am not quite sure how to write this blog without coming across as holding onto the past way too much and being totally and completely ridiculous and a dash pathetic. At the same time, I figure why not? At this point I have already written about quite a few things I cannot believe and shared more than I ever imagined. Why not open it up to one of the most ridiculous, uncomfortable and predictable rights of passage I willingly participated in during high school.

The what ifs......

I know it is extremely dangerous to even begin to walk down this path. The science geek in me likes to think there are multiple universes out there and in each universe there is a slightly altered version of Patty, living out each scenario and each alternative. It can be maddening at times, to even go through this thought experiment, because truth is, you will never know what would have been if you had gone left instead of right, if you had said "no", instead of "yes", if you had calmed down just a second before making a rash decision that could have ultimately changed your entire life.