Too smart for spirit......

Even just typing this title makes my heart go up in my throat. I have been thinking about this all weekend and it is scary to be honest with myself and get this down on paper. All weekend I have been trying to find a way to be helpful and trying to really find my purpose and a way to be of service and this blog title just kept coming to mind.

I am not even quite sure how to begin this, but likely that is because more than anything, I am always so afraid of what others think. I often feel like a ping pong ball that pays so much attention to the feedback I get from others in an effort to help me decide which way to go next. Versus, being honest and true and open about myself, my beliefs and how I feel.

As I child, I worked hard to find the path of least resistance. As a child that FEARED conflict and disapproval, I put all my energy and effort into reading people. This assessment was then used to make the decisions that would cause the least friction, conflict, anger, etc. Meaning, in essence, I wasn't making decisions that I necessarily wanted to make, was passionate about making, etc. I was really making decisions on this magical method I had found, my own path of least resistance.

Send love and release

Holy shit/shift, it has almost been a year since I have written a blog!?!? There was a period of time where I was good for a few blogs a week. There was a period of time where I had so much to get out of my head and so much I was working on that it almost felt like blogging was my full time job--I wish. As with many people struggling with their own mental health challenges, sometimes getting and feeling better brings about a reduction in creative and artistic output. There are always the "stories" you hear about famous artists, writers, mathematicians, etc. who would have likely been diagnosed with "something" today but that "something" allowed them to produce and create and solve the most wonderful, amazing and incredible things.

Struggling to find the divine within

I put on the coral maxi dress and ran right into my bedroom. It felt cute and flowing and soo very comfortable. It felt like it fit good, no, I take that back, it felt like it fit great. Maybe a bit snug in the chest, but what else was new with my linebacker-like back and shoulders.

I ran in the bedroom so excited to see my reflection. I felt pretty. I felt like this was going to be a keeper.

My crazy ass mind

I have been blogging since 2009. My blog's content, quality and frequency of posts appears to ebb and flow depending on how crazy my mind is being. I say "crazy" with all the love in the world for my mind, but that doesn't mean it isn't crazy just the same. As I type my 79th blog entry, I appreciate and take a moment to reflect on all the crazy I have gotten out of my mind and want to pass along a genuine appreciation for your willingness to scroll through my thoughts, even if it was just once for a moment. I write my blog in the hopes of helping someone have to struggle one less day than I have. When I say "struggle" I am referring to all of the personal growth that has happened since 2009. I know I have learned a lot, but my real hope and dream is to guide others through their own personal journey and be a sounding board for ideas, encouragement and inspiration.

The Re-Independence of Patty

So, I had always thought of myself as a very independent person. I never had a boyfriend growing up, in middle school, high school or even college. This "freedom" definitely allowed me to schedule my own time however I saw fit and with really no concerns or regard for anyone.

Now, I don't mean for that to sound callus, and I also don't mean to insinuate that people that had boyfriends weren't independent, I am just reflecting here.

My biggest battle

I have been having a 20+ year battle. A 20+ year battle that is never easy. A 20+ year battle that often leaves me angry, frustrated and disappointed in myself, all which just serves as fuel to the fire.

Looking back at childhood photos it looks like the battle began around the 4th grade...so I guess that would make me about 9 years old and make this a 26-year battle. Prior to then school pictures looked different. Prior to that tightly permed hair and white sweater with purple and pink hearts, there was a thinner face and a thinner Patty, overall.

Tell me what you want....whatcha really really want?!??!!

I am not sure if it is because as a girl growing up there were certain ways of being that were expected and accepted, or if it is just because I was a quiet, more introverted type growing up. Regardless of the why, I know that it is really hard often times for me to be able to understand and verbalize what I really want out of life.