It took me 34 years to finally.....

It took me 34 years to finally.......watch the sun rise.

I am fairly confident I have been up and outside when the sun is rising, multiple times. This, however, was different. This was watching with a sense of purpose, a sense of gratitude and a real sense of amazement. It was really awe inspiring and breath taking to be outside with the sole intention of watching the sun rise. I am grateful to have started off my day in this way and I certainly look forward to doing it again soon!

"WTF Happened?"

So, I have been throwing this around in my head for the past few days. I have been trying to figure out how to write this blog, what to say and how to use my words to make a difference to someone out there. I really try hard to write about things I think may "speak" to someone. I really try and put myself out there in an effort to have someone be able to say "ok, I am not alone...she feels that way too" or "ok, I am not alone, she has thought about that too." I have always felt a real calling to help. I have always felt like sharing experiences, sharing wisdom, sharing challenges is the best way to help. I say it again and again, but life is hard. Whether it is helping one person, or helping 1,000, I have to believe that it is always important to try. I also have to be careful because I am so drained when I help. I take on the challenges and feelings of others. So, blogging has allowed me to try and help while being more removed and passive in the process--in an effort to keep my energy.

So, WTF happened, right?

Norman

No blog will ever do Norman justice. He was a gentle giant. He was a mush and a lover. He loved nothing more than playing fetch, watching the birds who tormented him daily, cuddling with mommy and daddy and sharing our meals with us.

He was the king of our castle and he ruled this house. Something on Norman's chair, we moved it, something bothering Norman, we stopped it. We left NPR on when we went away and spoiled him with toys and constant flowing fresh water.

He could fetch, he could sit and he could shake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0GJ3Eoe6Hs&feature=em-upload_owner#action=share He was our son. He was a part of our family. He was the best cat ever, I am sorry, but he was.

He was a comedian and he had a big personality. He would cop attitude, yell at us when we got home from vacation and most recently pee on the floor when he was fed up.

Some of his favorite things to do were to bed down on us...we would call it "pill pill." He would knead down with those crazy cat like claws of his, no matter how many times we trimmed them. He would pill, pill and zone out and get this happy zen like look on his face. He would go back and forth between Greg and I until he would settle down for a few minutes. He would often go back and forth, being certain to equally distribute his love.

He did love and adore his daddy. I have no doubt he loved me, but Greg was his favorite and I am ok with this. He loved his daddy. He would sit in Greg's arms and just purr. Greg would love him, cuddle him, pet him and play fight with him. All which Norman loved and all which set Patty up to be attacked when Greg would travel.

Greg would travel for work or home to see family. I would most often be laying innocently in bed. Norman would jump up on the bed, stand on my chest and after one look at him and his wild eyes, I would know I was his prey. He would most often latch onto my arm probably saying, " mom, why aren't you playing, why aren't you fighting back." I will forever have scars on my arm :) He didn't mean to hurt me, he is a wild animal after all and it was kind of nice to see that side of him, sometimes. That wild side. That side that has come down from his kitty cat ancestors.

I think of all of his ancestors, all those wild cats out there. I think they would say Norm had a good life. He got to live in 2 awesome cities, Boston and NYC. He was a NYC cat and you know what they say, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

He became infamous in all circles of our life. His name was signed on most holiday cards I sent out, I talk about him all the time and heck, he even made it into our wedding ceremony. He was a very special cat and I like to think he is bragging about his pretty cool NYC life wherever he is.

Not only did we leave NPR on for him, sometimes we would leave the light on for him and if nothing else, he got the AC in the summer even if we weren't home. We often use to joke that Norm needed to get a job to start paying his way. We loved our dear sweet Norman and I feel just so grateful to have had my little buddy for 9 amazing and wonderful years.

I have always been afraid to love, always been afraid to care for this very reason. I feel like those I care most about are always taken. I feel like they are always taken too soon. Norman has reminded me that sometimes it is worth it. It was totally worth everything to have these 9 years with Norman--even if they were way too short.

I still really feel like this is all a dream, like I will surely wake up. It all happened so fast. Other than peeing a few times over the past few months outside of his box, he was happy go lucky, Norm. Fetching, shaking, cuddling. No sign of suffering, pain, or problems at all.

I really am torn up and heartbroken. I really miss my little buddy more than words could ever describe. I keep finding myself fighting the urge to call his name. When Greg traveled was when we had our best bonding time. You see, recently the wild Norman had gone away. He has become a big, huge mush ball. He has been so lovey and cuddly.

Every night when I get home from work, we have the same dance. I open the door and he is at the door waiting, he runs out into the hallway. He does a quick stretch, the madonna move and sometimes runs over to 4C where his friends use to live. I then walk behind him and he walks back into the apartment. I will miss having this dance with Norman every night and every time we come home.

I will miss knowing that when I rang our door buzzer a certain way, Norm knew we were home. I will miss his excitement and greeting of any and all delivery men. Delivery for us, normally meant a small treat for him.

I will miss being woken up at 4 and 5 a.m. to a cat wanting to cuddle. I will miss our nightly battles over his wanting to share in my dinner. I will miss watching him sleep and snore so loudly. I will miss his puke, I will miss his dry food nearly killing me every morning I step on it with bare feet. I swear he would strategically place it sometimes to ensure it was in our path each morning. I will  miss his stinky poop and crazy amounts of pee. Seriously, he produced the amount of a waste of a small child :) I will miss him tracking his litter all across the apartment. I am not sure how it got it from the litter box to the bed. Sometimes I think he tightened his claws and walked slowly and just opened them when he got on the bed and it would all come out from between his toes.

I will miss seeing him with his favorite toy "lickey".  I will miss him thumping on kong https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pB2vv0ia8NU. I will miss watching him clean himself for what seemed like hours after each meal. I will miss his stinka face. I will miss watching him chase the birds in the bedroom window.  I have no doubt he caught them where he is now. I will miss so much. I am so glad I decided to open the window for him today. It was cold, but at the last minute. I opened the shade and gave him his birds.

I will miss my friend and my buddy. I will miss always having someone to talk to. I spoke with him like he was a person. I will miss having someone to blame farts and stinks on. Everything in our house was "Norman's fault." I feel like the silence will be deafening. I write all of this home alone as Greg is actually at a conference in Boston. It is quiet now, but I have no doubt Norman will pass away all over again when I see Greg.

I really cannot believe it.

I would like to take a few moments to honor his last few minutes here. Just because I feel it helpful to talk about what happened and what I saw.

So, I had a 6pm acupuncture appointment tonight. I would normally have come straight home. On the way home from acupuncture, shortly after 7,  I went to the grocery store. I bought the following (no judging, it is almost like I knew) 1 can of chef boyarde, easy mac, neopolitan ice cream and oreos and 2 cans of fancy feast cat food. When I got home I called Pet Town to order Norman's cat food (yes we have everything delivered in NYC). I fed Norman a can of the Fancy Feast. I figured he would enjoy it. He ate it like a champ. Like crazy. He ate the entire thing in like 5 minutes flat! I kept saying Norm, slow down, you are going to get sick.

Clearly he enjoyed his last meal and for that I am happy :)

I was sitting down while my Chef Boyarde was in the microwave and went in the other room to put some pjs on. I heard Norman in his litter box digging around and then the lofting smell of a poop.

I got my food out of the microwave and pulled over a table tray to eat--because that is how I roll. I was sitting down eating a bit of my dinner and noticed Norm sitting on the ground in front of me watching me eat :) like always. I was waiting for him to jump up, as he normally does :)

I continued eating and all of a sudden heard a scamper. I looked down because it almost sounded like he was trying to gear up to run. For those of you that have cats, or been around cats, I think you will know what I mean. They get bursts of energy sometimes and on a wooden floor it has a very distinctive sound. I looked down and he was flopping around. It was almost like he couldn't get his back legs to work all of a sudden it was so scary. He ended up on his side and I was down on my knees kneeling next to him, rubbing him and crying. I kept calling his name and crying and rubbing him, I didn't know what to do. I could tell there was something wrong. He howled really loudly a few times, like totally seized and then got real calm. I kept crying and calling his name. I hope I didn't scare him, but I am glad I was there with him.

I kept rubbing him and was debating mouth to mouth, but had no idea how to help a cat. He breathed a few more times and then just stopped. I didn't know what to do and just kept crying. I called Greg but he didn't answer and then I called Leslie.

Leslie ran right over. I finally got ahold of Greg and told him the bad news. Leslie, I owe you so much. Leslie was amazing. She grabbed my New Kids blanket and cradled him and picked him up. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys and we ran out of the apartment with Norman in the blanket. We got to 1st Avenue and then needed to find a cab.  A nice women gave us her cab when she realized we had a cat with us. The cabbie took us down to the 24 hour Emergency Pet Hospital down in the 60's.

I cried hysterically the entire cab ride.  I was afraid that maybe the food (new food never given him before) I gave him killed him and was blaming myself and trying to figure out what happened. The cabbie listened to us both crying for almost 30 blocks.

We got to the hospital and they took us right away. They were super nice and they let us know that cats often "get clots." The way I described what happened sounded like he had a clot. I asked if there was anything we could have done or any way we could have known and prevented and the answer to everything was "no." There was nothing we could have done and no way to have known.

Norman will be cremated and we will be adding some of his ashes to our vase that we just put together at our wedding as well as sprinkling some at some important places :( Never thought this would be happening. I know nothing is forever and while I kind of had a feeling he may be leaving us soon, I thought perhaps it was just paranoid Patty.

Norman, I will never forget you. I will never forget all you added to our life. I will never forget all the cuddles you gave me when I was sick or not feeling well. I will never be able to thank you enough for all of the laughs, giggles, and rolling eyes. You will go down in history as my favorite cat (sorry, Emily). You were sweet and kind and cuddly and you totally ruled Greg and I and 334 East 90th Street.

I am not quite sure that I will ever get used to this silence, but I am not naive enough to think anything will really ever fill the deafening silence your untimely passing has caused. I know you will always be with me and always be with us.

I am so grateful to know you had a great last meal, and witnessed your great last poop and that I was here with you in your final moments. If I came home to find you dead on the floor, I would have been imagining the worst case scenarios. I would have been afraid you were howling and suffering all day while I was at work. I would have been afraid you were scared and in pain all day while I was at work. As hard as it was to watch you pass away and as sad and scary and awful as it all was to witness, I know what happened and I was with you when it happened.

Death is just such a crazy thing. Here one second and gone the next. Norman's passing has once again reminded me that you just never know.  I have never watched anyone die before. His last moments are etched in my brain. You never know when those you care about will leave this physical world. Take some pictures of our loved ones tonight, take some video. Give them an extra hug, and extra lick of ice cream. In the end the memories and the love are all we have.

While there is not much silver lining for me here, we lost our cat. We lost our sweet, sweet, Norman. I do have to remember that he had a wonderful life, even though it was way too short. He didn't suffer, he had a great last day and I am going to try and believe that today before he passed away he was finally able to show those birds who was boss.

Rest in peace my gentle giant. Mommy loves you more than you will ever understand. Thank you for everything, thank you for reminding me why loving is so important. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I continue to cry and feel like none of this is real. I continue to look around the apartment for you. I continue to assume you will jump on my lap. It is all such a shock and just happened way too fast.

I love you, Norman! It was an honor to be your human!

and that's all she wrote...
always,
Patty

Dear Patty, I am sorry

I know I have alluded to this multiple times via Facebook posts, but I think I value myself enough that I deserve and entire post dedicated to this. I at least owe it to myself. Not just myself, my 8 year old to about 29 year old self.

I know I am not unique. I know I am not the first person who had difficult teenage through twenty-somethings. I also know I am not the first person who was his or her own worse enemy--at times. I think letter format, as someone who loves hand-written notes and cards, makes sense. Granted this isn't hand-written, but we will go with a letter theme to make it a bit more genuine.

Ground control to the DJ in the sky

Clearly either I got everything I ever wanted to say out of my mind over the past year, or less anxiety has brought less stream of consciousness writings. Regardless, I love the feeling that comes over me when I get into a writing grove and therefore, I need to try and find ways to write even when I am not in the flow. For those of you that write and blog, you know how challenging this can be. So, while I am semi forcing a flow right now because I haven't written in so long, I hope, as always, what I say is of some value to someone out there.

Blur

While I have written about this in snip its, I haven't really fully put out there how hellish and difficult things were for me. From early February, 2013 until mid-March, 2013 my life was a total and complete blur.

Moving on....

So, there are a lot of things I didn't quite realize I agreed to when I decided to move away from where I grew up. I guess most of it should have appeared to be obvious to me. I think when I first decided to move to NYC with Greg it was very exciting and sexy. It is still really exciting and rather sexy, but there was a lot that I just didn't think about when I moved away.

Money

I have been thinking about money a lot lately. I know we talk about it all the time as Americans, especially. We appear to be obsessed by it at times. It rules our world, it rules our existence and in too many ways it decides who rises and who falls. It decides whose voice is heard, who succeeds and who gets to pave out the path of the future. It brings many of us to early deaths due to overworking and over stressing. While it has so much power, its lack is almost more damaging. With so many hungry, homeless and working poor, it not only makes us, its lack breaks us.

My crazy ass on birth control....

Now before I get started, please know this is in no way an anti birth control blog. Anyone that knows me knows that I support Planned Parenthood, a women's right to choose, birth control, sex education in our schools and educating your children about how to have sex responsibly, from an early age. This blog is just my small attempt to try and have us, as women, start to think more about how we are feeling every day, how we should expect to be able to feel and not be so afraid to speak up and ask questions when we don't feel our best.

Passion and purpose......

For years I have had a children's/tweens series in my head. I have developed book titles, character names and even plots for each. At this point, I feel like it is my Everest.

I started my blog, nearly a year ago, for a few reasons. One reason was that I really wanted to get back into the habit of writing. I wanted to practice, I wanted to work on style, structure, grammar, all the stuff that appears to have been covered when I was pulled out of class for Project Acorn as a child. I also started my blog because I felt like it was a fun time in my life, a time I wanted to reflect on, think about and as always, last but not least, there is always a desire to learn and grow and improve myself. I thought a blog would be a great exercise on so many levels. I would be lying to myself though, if I didn't also admit that I was also secretly hoping that out of my blogs would come these magical and infamous book(s) I continue to reference in close circles.

Well, it is March and I have over 60 blog posts and yet still not one chapter of any of these books. I do not even think that I have a sentence. You have to understand, since college I have started maybe 10 different books. I am hit with a huge burst of energy and inspiration. I sit down at night with my laptop and bust out like 10 pages of randomness. Most of my writings are very stream of consciousness. I was never very good at organizing my papers. I used to hate making outlines when I was in high school, college and even grad school. It just didn't feel genuine. Words come to me as flow, they come to me in waves and when I stop to plan this out, I totally stop the natural flow of the words. Words come to me in the shower, on the subway and as I walk home from night. Other than jotting down blog topics, I have yet to find a way to utilize outlining in my writing.

Now, I am self aware enough to know that this sometimes lends itself to run-on sentences, thought processes that could be more flushed out and sometimes downright confusing statements. I realize all of this. I also know that my inability to be succinctt in much of what I write is what caused me to get B's vs. A's in all of my college writing classes. I have a hard time holding back and editing. I realize all of this is something that needs to be addressed. I realized most people do not go into what they got B's in, but if you look at my record between Astronomy/Physics and Writing, it is rather typical for me, go figure.

I think what has been most difficult as far as starting my book(s) is concerned, is just that. I do not know how to start. I write so stream of consciousness, I just cannot decide if the book should be written in third person or first person.  I also cannot decide if the book should be written as if the events are occurring presently, or if it would be better to write it more Stand By Me-like, with narration looking back at times in childhood. I know, I know, at some point I just need to bite the bullet and start writing. I like to think it will come together eventually. I just have no doubt how much work this will all be. I am just hopeful I will find the time, inspiration and patience I need to get it done.

If nothing else, at some point, there will be random mass amounts of books and topics started and never finished by the infamous Patricia Landry.

I think the other reason I may have difficulty with starting is because I feel like they need to be meaningful and instill some great knowledge onto future generations. I feel like I should be spending my time on things that will help. Why even in my writing am I so concerned of what other people think?  I am not sure that these books will help, but I selfishly really want to at least try. I feel like I just want to make a difference in this world and help when I can and I guess I just continue to struggle and figure out how I can be utilized in this wonderful world of ours. So, just as outlining messes with my flow, second guessing the story is also stopping my flow.

I guess I just need to carve out some time, at some point and just get started. Here's to hoping I can find the flow and the motivation to get started. Asking the universe for guidance on passion and purpose and some good energy flow.....

That's all she wrote...
always
Patty

I want a label...but not that one......

So the past three weeks have been challenging, frustrating, scary, confusing, inspiring, and hopeful. For the first time, in a long time, I find myself wanting a label....but not that one....

You see, for the past three weeks, I have been going on a "fun" and "eventful" journey. I have to frame it this way or it makes me want to pull my hair out. The journey, let's just call it, "What Patty should do to feel her best." I was going to initially call the journey "what is wrong with Patty," but I really don't think there is anything wrong with me. This is all a journey for me to try and figure out how I can feel my best. What I can do to wake up feeling good, feel motivated throughout the day, not feel anxious, eat well, and be healthy.

Just a little push......

I have been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. Thinking about all of the wonderful memories, the challenges, the days I thought "nothing can be worse than this." Looking back now, there was a lot that happened, but there wasn't anything I didn't make it through---obviously here I am today, writing about it all. At the time it can be really difficult to see the lesson or to even begin to imagine life will get better. It can be so hard to try and realize that each interaction can really be treated as an opportunity to learn and grow.

- 110 Points

Of course I woke up at 2:30 a.m. this morning. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up between 2:30 and 3:30. I know I have said it a million times, but I do not know if I have ever successfully slept through the night. I normally fall asleep rather quickly, but then once I wake up, I find it extremely challenging to fall back asleep. Normally it lends itself to first trying to fall back asleep in frustration. Stage 2 is when I turn the t.v. back on and put a re-run on. Preferably one I have seen a million times in an effort to not need to watch it, or care and fall back asleep. Step 3 is to roll onto my right side. I normally fall asleep on my right side. If that still doesn't work, I will check my phone, e-mail, Facebook and last but not least blog or read. I should probably start with blogging or reading, at least they are both active and may tire me out.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.....

Everyone has their "thing". For some it is clowns, for some people it is Styrofoam, for people like me, it is mirrors. I am fairly confident I am not the only person that is slightly freaked out by them. I find them fascinating. They have the potential to have so much power over how we feel about ourselves each and every day, yet in reality they don't even accurately reflect what we look like. Reason number a million to realize once and for all, you are more than your looks! You are so much more than what you see in the mirror every day.

If you are having real trouble remembering this, why don't you try writing some encouraging words or quotes with a dry erase board marker on the mirrors you use most every day. Words like "kind," "intelligent," "funny," "good friend," " great at 80's trivia," "patient," "good mother," "hard worker," "love myself" and "love my kids." These are the things you should focus on in the mirror each day!!

A super dooper day

The older I get the more I realize it is truly the little things in life that make each day. It is truly the special moments and little victories that may me smile and make each day memorable.

I often hear that Americans live to work, versus much of the rest of the world, that work to live. I have really been trying to focus on the hours spent out of work lately. I still am not great at making the most out of the pre 8 a.m. and post 6:30 p.m. hours each day, but I am trying to really start thinking about how to make the most of my non-working hours. That is, until I can figure out a way to shrink those working hours even more. How can I be more motivated and energized before and after work to not fall into the nightly food and t.v. commas. How can I resist the urge to get home and put my slippers and p.j.'s on immediately? How can I maximize every moment of this wondrous life I have?

Wake up...wake up

This blog isn't going to be all that deep. Its title may give it more weight that it realistically deserves. This blog is just about one of the most important skills my mother ever taught me. I feel like my parents taught me so many important things as a child. Things I have carried with me and things that have helped me to get where I am today. How to tie my shoes, how to brush my teeth and maybe most importantly how to say "please" and "thank you" and be a gracious winner and loser.

Who knew the one special skill would float to the forefront in today's blog. I know I have spoken of my  night terrors so many times over the course of this past year. As a child, I had so many nightmares. So many scary dreams. Many of them would repeat from year-to-year. The one I continue to remember most vividly, is the one that would occur on my b-day each and every year. Like clockwork. I would go to bed that evening, knowing that I would have the scary dream again. I would tell friends about it and I would basically anticipate the dream.

Storage USA

I have been grappling with the concept of "stuff" for so long. As a kid, thinking about all the toys I wanted for Christmas and birthdays--which is probably where when my fascination initially began. There were two times a year when people would bring me things??!! How amazing! Or so I thought. I had so many toys that my toys required a box, it even had a name, a "toy box", along with shelves, closets and drawers. Even while I felt like I had so many "toys" I am uncertain how much "stuff" I really had.

Their eyes are watching us...May Cause Miracles

I think this blog post is coming from a few places. First and foremost, thanks to my recent readings of Gabrielle Bernstein's "Spirit Junkie" and my continued reading of "May Cause Miracles," I have been thinking a ton about my own childhood and starting to dig down deep into where many of my quirks and nuances came from.

I also had a very interesting conversation with my co-worker last week. She is the mother of two young children and she was talking to me about how fascinated she was when she realized how her children play house, vs. how her sister's children play house....I will leave you all in suspense for a bit on that one.

Sex and Sexuality

I am not totally sure why I am finding this blog so important to write at this moment. I have an entire list of other topics I need to get out of my head at some point, but here goes nothing. I am sure I am already beginning to blush and turn red as I even think about where this blog is going to go. Maybe it is part of me thinking about my self and my fears and reading "May Cause Miracles" that is bringing up this topic, or perhaps it is the bizarre dream I had last night, regardless....here....goes....nothing.