Clearly either I got everything I ever wanted to say out of my mind over the past year, or less anxiety has brought less stream of consciousness writings. Regardless, I love the feeling that comes over me when I get into a writing grove and therefore, I need to try and find ways to write even when I am not in the flow. For those of you that write and blog, you know how challenging this can be. So, while I am semi forcing a flow right now because I haven't written in so long, I hope, as always, what I say is of some value to someone out there.
I honestly write because I feel like life is extremely hard. I write, in some ways, to try and show everyone that we are not alone. We are not unique in our struggles, even though our struggles themselves may be unique. I write because I feel like all over the amazing world, for thousands of years, we continue to make strides. We continue to take baby steps towards a future more engulfed with love and acceptance than we could ever possibly imagine. I am certain I sound hugely naive, but I honestly need to continue to believe in this possible future. I need to continue believing that in the end love will win out. How could I ever dream of bringing children into this world if I didn't honestly believe this would get better and that it was worth taking a stab at this thing we call the human experience.
As time passes and humans continue to learn, evolve, kill, rob, cry, love and forgive, I have to believe the combined knowledge we have obtained has to be in some way helpful. I have to believe that as a species we each have a bit of the answer to the puzzle insides us. There are humans far and wide, from the most remote villages in Africa, to those living on Islands only recently found, to Seattle and New York City. We are certainly unique as individuals. We have all had our own experiences, challenges, victories and defeats. We have all cried, we have all experienced pain and loss. We have all had amazing days, we have all fallen short of where we wanted to be. We have all been hurt, we have all disappointed someone. We have all loved and we have all had our hearts broken. We have spent years trying to figure out how to feel our best and how to support those we love the most.
Knowing the billions of us across this planet are all experiencing these same feelings, I am certain we are all struggling with the same questions. Many of us are wondering why we are here. Many of us are wondering how we can make a difference. Many of us are wondering, how will I ever get through this. How will I ever go on without him/her. How will I feed my family tonight. There are so many beautiful humans that are struggling, just as you may be struggling tonight. Whether you are struggling with a terminal illness, mental illness, unemployment, guilt, regret or uncertainty, struggle we all struggle. While your struggle may feel so much larger than his or her personal struggle, to each person, a struggle is still a struggle.
Knowing that life is hard and knowing that we all struggle, how can we as humans really take advantage of our greatest asset. How can we as humans really maximize our commonality, our interwoven lives and experiences?
It hit me like a bolt of lighting a few weeks back. For so long I have just felt like I was kind of floating along. Extremely happy with my life, extremely grateful for all I have and this very day, but always feeling like I had more to share, so much so I sometimes feel like I am going to burst at the seems. I find myself hugely affected by those around me. I find myself often with a hurting heart. I am a total empath and therefore I often feel the pain of those around me. I often carry the feelings and burden of others because my hope is to somehow take some of the pain away from someone else. Sometimes I think my heart is too big. It leaves me extremely vulnerable to being hurt often and disappointed when honest.
I am someone who loves deeply and truly. I am someone not afraid to express my love, caring and admiration for others. It has burnt me so many times. There are so many people I love, honestly. So many that I love. Sometimes I am not sure how to deal with the feeling of care and concern I have for my friends and family. I am not certain how to curtail and reign in the speed at which my feelings of care develop for those I meet. I am someone that often finds myself caring more about others than I am sure they care about me. I meet someone new, hang out with them twice and want them to come to the wedding. I sit next to someone who seems cool on the subway and I want to be their best friend.
I have really become fascinated with this ever-present vulnerable state. Why am I this way?
Well, as I mentioned it all hit me like a bolt of lightening a few weeks back. As a species we have all of the answers within us. We have all of the love, support, cures, answers and advice we could ever ask for. Over thousands of years humans have experienced disease, drought, wars, famine, natural disasters, heart break, genocide, climate change and uncertainty. We continue to find what works best for us at that time and move onto the next challenge. People all over this world have dealt with unemployment, hunger, homelessness and disease. Countries and cities far and wide have been trying to figure out how to handle disagreement, religious intolerance and racism.
I know there is so much we haven't figured out, but I have no doubt that the wisdom of the world is greater than the wisdom of any one person, party, city, state or country. The collective knowledge we have from our unique and common experiences are what we need to help ensure we as a species do not wipe each other out.
The wisdom of the world is what we need. Speaking with gurus in Thailand, monks in Tibet, villagers in Africa, the elderly in China, the farmers of Guatemala. I have no doubt the wisdom of the world is what now needs to be documented. What we have learned, what can we pass along to our children and grandchildren. What is really important in life? What is universally important to remember when interacting with other humans and other species? What are the different ways to think about our body and our mind?
I am not trying to claim that everyone will need the same answers or the same advice. What I am saying, however, is that we got this. We know deep down in our own souls what the answers are. We have intelligent people all across this planet that have been working on some of the biggest challenges humans face. We have countries who have had more success with government systems and agencies. We have some countries who have unique ideas about education. I am not trying to advocate for a one sized fits all existence, what I am simply trying to say is that the answers are out there.
As I continue to chew on this. As I continue to realize this is what I want to somehow document, I am extremely overwhelmed. "Wisdom of the world?" Could I have possibly come up with a more daunting assignment. Could I have possibly overshot the possibility of my lifetime and my capabilities any greater? I am not quite sure how I can even pretend this new mission and goal is possible. I think that for now what I will try and do is study the array of cultures present on this planet. I will try and take what I can from each culture and country. I will continue to study the world's religions and see what I can take and learn from each. I will continue to try and familiarize myself with history and science, psychology, Buddhism, nutrition, acupuncture and meditation.
I have always considered myself a lifelong learner--not to be too cliche--but this newest concept holds me to a higher standard than I ever envisioned for myself. How can I possible try and compile all that is out there for myself and more importantly for others. I just feel like one person's suffering should be someone else's lesson and one person's victory should be the next person's inspiration. One villages' access to a new well of fresh water should somehow make it just a bit easier for the next village to get their well.
As a species we are constantly reinventing the wheel. We constantly think we can do better and we are smarter and know better. We are constantly trying to win and to outdo. I am not certain we can ever take this out of the fabric of "being human," but I do have to believe that the lessons learned near and far, in cities and remote villages can be written down. The lessons of our elders, our gurus, our wise businessmen, the children of this world. Heck, maybe we should just ask the kids what they think. Sometimes I think the honesty of children is the way to go and if we listened to kids most of our problems would be solved by the end of recess.
So, as I sit here in my teeny tiny apartment in New York City and I take a huge deep breath and almost role my eyes at myself and my bolt of lightening idea, I am grateful. As I sit in bed and continue to type, as the fan blows my bangs around, as a bit of sweat begins to form on my upper lip, as I listen to Greg typing away feverishly on his class, my heart swells. As I remember that tomorrow is Sunday, as I contemplate the beauty in this world, as I taste the sweet apple I just took a bite into, I am humbled. I am humbled to have learned anything over my 33 years. I am overwhelmed by the volume of what is left to learn. I am in awe of all we still don't understand, from dark energy to dark matter, from the capabilities of the human mind to the possibilities of future means to produce energy.
From my own personal contemplations, what is it about music that moves me so? Why can I not sit still when I hear that amazing and dance-producing music. Why do I still continue to have a spike of anxiety before, during and after my workouts, where does this come from? To worldly contemplations of solving hunger, disease and poverty. I want to travel. I want to take it all in. I want to learn. I want to ask questions. I want to listen. I want to put aside preconceptions and misconceptions. I want to hold judgements. I want to be wrong. I want to remember. I want to forgive. I want to write. I want to grow. I want to pass on and I want to share.
There are so many out there that know more than I will ever learn in my lifetime. There are so many that have traveled the difficult road. There are so many who have been enlightened and I want them all to share. Am I selfish in wanting all of this? Am I crazy for thinking this is possible?? There is so much love in this world. There is so much possibility in this world. There is so much hope in this world. We just cannot give up on this world. We cannot give up on each other.
Life is beautiful! Life is made up of thousand of small moments and literally millions of atoms, little victories and lots of will do better tomorrows... Try and catch yourself in these moments as they make up your life...life is not perfect as we are not perfect. Try and find the beauty in the imperfections, in your imperfections. They make you human and connect you to all the humans across this amazing world
What have you learned so far?? What wisdom would you like to share? I have no doubt we can do this together, however, only together will we succeed....
And that's all she wrote....