The day....

I am not totally comfortable with sappiness, however, I have to admit, I have been thinking about "the day" forever.

Growing up, I often thought about the day and tried to guess and imagine who I would be at the alter with. For awhile it was Peter Brady, then it was Mikey from Goonies, then it was Jake Ryan, then it was Jordan Knight, Brian Austin Greene, and then Howie Day. Now, of course these were only my celebrity crushes and I knew deep down none of them were actually going to happen, but that doesn't mean I didn't dream.

I would also be lying if I didn't admit that there were others. Some that I was fairly confident about, but again, as "the friend" none of them ever happened either, but I cannot pretend that there weren't really strong feelings and thoughts that I had already met the person I was going to marry, they just hadn't realized it. All that being said, life moves on, things happen and come to find out, I was wrong about all of them.

Fighting instincts.....

So much about my life lately seems to be working really hard to NOT do something. For me, as of late, it feels more and more like I am doing nothing but constantly fighting my instincts.

If I was an animal out in the wild, I am not sure how I would react to my animal instincts. I assume there are things that animals do find as instinctual (hence animal instincts), all things survival I suppose. However, I don't know that animals worry about being in shape or watching their weight. I also don't know that animals worry about what others think about them. Animals don't have anything else affecting their instincts, they aren't pausing to think and consider, they just do--I assume? Health and well being aside, I often wonder if we are better or worse off for having the ability to fight our instinct? What causes me as a human to no longer trust that my instincts have my best interset at heart? I have no doubt this evolutionary necessity has become wrapped up and confused with human desires. No wonder I feel like I am fighting what I call instincts, they probably are not actually instincts at all, perhaps desires is more appropriate.

I am going to continue to use the word instinct as that is my instinct :)

Manners...more than please and thank you....

Short rant of the night....

As I find myself in this world I run into so many mad and angry people. I run into so many people who are so rude to others and clueless about how their presence and attitude may affect those around them. They appear to have a sense of entitlement that I just don't understand, a sense that the world revolves around them and they are somehow better and more important than every one else around them.

When you are growing up you are always taught to say "please" and "thank you". Sometimes I think this is all people took from their childhood. They can remember to say please and they can remember to say thank you, but they have no concept about empathy, genuine kindness and caring or regard for others. They often cannot see past their own noses and when it comes right down to it, they just do not care, in general.

Dreams of my grandmother...

Blog ideas have been coming full force as I navigate through life these days. Sometime I really wish I could just write all day, but weekends and evenings will have to do,  for now.

I had an extremely vivid dream last week. I had a dream Greg and I were driving past my Grandmother's house in Linwood. We were kind of  almost surveying her, in that we could see her, but she couldn't see us. As we drove by, I noticed she looked incredibly happy. She was actually driving my Papa's car around their yard. Now, for anyone who knew my Grandmother, this was totally out of character, as my Grandmother, as far as I know, never had her license. She was, I think, afraid to drive. It was amazing to see her driving around and so much more carefree than I remember her being. I am not sure if there is more of a backstory to that?

Sound the alarm.....

I have always had a deep appreciation for sleep, even when I feared it. Some may say I come from a long line of nappers. We are all quite good at taking naps. The ironic part is that for most of my childhood going to bed was the worst thing in the world. Being afraid of the dark and never quite understanding what "sleep" was, going to bed was a nightly battle that I feared. It was a battle I dealt with by reading all night, keeping the lights on and when over friends' houses, either staying up late watching "Amazing Discoveries" or when all else failed, call my parents at 3 a.m. to have them come pick me up. They were wonderful to let me continue to try to sleep over my friends' houses. Funniest part, I would just get home to  not sleep there either.

Like a baby without a bottle.....

My entire life I knew that I responded to food differently than most. When I ate something, I didn't just enjoy its taste and its flavors, I actually had additional feelings come along with the enjoyment of the food itself. I always refer to really good food as the food that makes me dance in my seat. This often happens when I have some amazing wine, cheese, bread and crackers, or an amazing steak at Del Frisco's. There is just some food out there that makes me respond in this way, regardless of when I eat it.

As a pretty much life-long Weight Watchers member (started for the first time in the 6th grade), I have always known that I had a difficult time with food. It wasn't until this past year, that I realized that there was more to it that just liking to eat and having trouble with portion control and binging. 

Thank you, Mr. President....

I feel like this letter could probably be written to most Presidents for one reason or another by somebody at some point in time in their life. I feel like you write a letter to your President when you are in first grade, when the President is pretty much the cooleest person ever. I feel like you then maybe write a letter to the President when you are in high school and you first start to understand the world, our country and your place in it. I feel like the only other time you may write a letter to the President is if you are struggling or perhaps really trying to voice a concern or an idea you may have.

I was truly fascinated by the President growing up. I didn't totally understand the three branches of government and never fully understood how all three "worked" together, but I remember the President was an exciting concept to me. It sounded very sexy when I was little. How amazing and exciting to have so much power and to get to make decisions and "rule" the world. Granted, this was all totally naive and from a little kids perspective.

Lovefest....

I am really struggling with what to call this blog, what I anticipate to be a short, realization-type blog. 

For the past few years, I have really been working on myself, a lot. I have done a lot of soul searching, counseling, meditating, attending services at All Souls, reading and talking to the universe (energy in and energy out). Most recently I have noticed that much of what made me "uniquely me," had faded.