I am really struggling with what to call this blog, what I anticipate to be a short, realization-type blog.
For the past few years, I have really been working on myself, a lot. I have done a lot of soul searching, counseling, meditating, attending services at All Souls, reading and talking to the universe (energy in and energy out). Most recently I have noticed that much of what made me "uniquely me," had faded.
Over the course of my interactions with the world, I continued to find myself afraid. I mostly find myself afraid of getting hurt. I am someone who loves and cares, to a fault perhaps. Often vulnerable and more often hurt.
I have recently realized that life events caused me to shy away from who I am. The fear that manifested during my childhood as a fear of death and fear of the dark, in my adult years became a fear of losing those I love and cared for the most. I had attempted to make myself numb about a lot, in an effort to try and protect myself. I tried hard to close my circle, I tried hard to find a way to not care so much. I feel like I lost myself a bit during the past few years. It was easier to shut down than get hurt, again. I found myself pushing people away, shutting down and trying so hard not to care so much.
Recently I have found the urge to open myself up and be vulnerable again. I have felt the urge to follow my gut and my instincts. I am glad to feel this again, as I was afraid I lost a bit of myself along the way. After getting hurt, again and again, it is really easier to shy away. However, I am once again reminded that I am not owed anything and that the world does not revolve around me. I am reminded how short and precious life is. I have decided that to love and care, while scary and while it only opens me up to more pain, is a necessary energy to put out into the universe.
I have also come to the realization that my hurt feelings, unmet expectations or lackluster response are worth it. People come and go from our lives, sometimes by choice, sometimes not. Sometimes in sadness, sometimes in anger and sometimes in relief. I like to believe that everyone we meet is brought into our lives for a reason, there is always something to be learned. That being said, if I want to spend more time with someone, tell them I care about them, send them a card or an e-mail, give them a hug, etc, I need to follow my instincts. If I feel like there is an issues I want someone's input on or a lesson I want to learn for them, I need to be less fearful to open up and ask.
I read one of my favorite quotes from Buddha today "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I feel like there is so much I am really open to right now, there is so much I am looking to learn. There is so much I want to do and help and explore and enjoy.
As I read "The Happiness Project," I am reminded again how important it is to really begin to closely examine what makes me most happy and I am hopeful that I can focus on this more, I know what makes me happy, I just often get hurt along the way. What an interesting juxtaposition, some things that make me happy can also lead to pain.
So, people of the world, I will not apologize for the lovefest I hope to begin to put out into the world again. I was so afraid of caring too much and getting hurt by family, friends, people I came into contact with and even strangers. I need to continue to really focus on positive energy and love out, regardless of what I get in return.
I can only hope that my positive energy out, coupled with my readiness to learn, will trigger a multitude of teachers to appear. I am ready and looking to learn like never before.
Universe, as I continue to work on myself, finding my place in this world, a way to make an impact, please afford me with the opportunity to learn and grow and love like never before. I ask for the teachers of the lessons I need most to please make themselves present in my life. The search for happiness and passion continues......
And thats all she wrote.....