Struggling to find the divine within

I put on the coral maxi dress and ran right into my bedroom. It felt cute and flowing and soo very comfortable. It felt like it fit good, no, I take that back, it felt like it fit great. Maybe a bit snug in the chest, but what else was new with my linebacker-like back and shoulders.

I ran in the bedroom so excited to see my reflection. I felt pretty. I felt like this was going to be a keeper.

My biggest battle

I have been having a 20+ year battle. A 20+ year battle that is never easy. A 20+ year battle that often leaves me angry, frustrated and disappointed in myself, all which just serves as fuel to the fire.

Looking back at childhood photos it looks like the battle began around the 4th grade...so I guess that would make me about 9 years old and make this a 26-year battle. Prior to then school pictures looked different. Prior to that tightly permed hair and white sweater with purple and pink hearts, there was a thinner face and a thinner Patty, overall.

When the compliments stop

This isn't my first rodeo, you may say. As someone who has struggled with her weight since about the 4th grade, I know how this goes. When you are on your way down, size wise, weight-wise, etc. everyone seems to notice and compliment and encourage. When you are on the way back-up, there is nothing but silence and the silence is deafening.

- 110 Points

Of course I woke up at 2:30 a.m. this morning. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up between 2:30 and 3:30. I know I have said it a million times, but I do not know if I have ever successfully slept through the night. I normally fall asleep rather quickly, but then once I wake up, I find it extremely challenging to fall back asleep. Normally it lends itself to first trying to fall back asleep in frustration. Stage 2 is when I turn the t.v. back on and put a re-run on. Preferably one I have seen a million times in an effort to not need to watch it, or care and fall back asleep. Step 3 is to roll onto my right side. I normally fall asleep on my right side. If that still doesn't work, I will check my phone, e-mail, Facebook and last but not least blog or read. I should probably start with blogging or reading, at least they are both active and may tire me out.

Fighting instincts.....

So much about my life lately seems to be working really hard to NOT do something. For me, as of late, it feels more and more like I am doing nothing but constantly fighting my instincts.

If I was an animal out in the wild, I am not sure how I would react to my animal instincts. I assume there are things that animals do find as instinctual (hence animal instincts), all things survival I suppose. However, I don't know that animals worry about being in shape or watching their weight. I also don't know that animals worry about what others think about them. Animals don't have anything else affecting their instincts, they aren't pausing to think and consider, they just do--I assume? Health and well being aside, I often wonder if we are better or worse off for having the ability to fight our instinct? What causes me as a human to no longer trust that my instincts have my best interset at heart? I have no doubt this evolutionary necessity has become wrapped up and confused with human desires. No wonder I feel like I am fighting what I call instincts, they probably are not actually instincts at all, perhaps desires is more appropriate.

I am going to continue to use the word instinct as that is my instinct :)

Like a baby without a bottle.....

My entire life I knew that I responded to food differently than most. When I ate something, I didn't just enjoy its taste and its flavors, I actually had additional feelings come along with the enjoyment of the food itself. I always refer to really good food as the food that makes me dance in my seat. This often happens when I have some amazing wine, cheese, bread and crackers, or an amazing steak at Del Frisco's. There is just some food out there that makes me respond in this way, regardless of when I eat it.

As a pretty much life-long Weight Watchers member (started for the first time in the 6th grade), I have always known that I had a difficult time with food. It wasn't until this past year, that I realized that there was more to it that just liking to eat and having trouble with portion control and binging. 

Pat, Patty, Patricia

Wow, it has been awhile since I have been able to post a blog, I have to admit, I kind of miss the massive brain dumps. This past month has been a bit crazy. I hate using that as an excuse to not prioritize those things that matter most, but unfortunately it is the case.

Along with not posting any blogs in awhile, my travels have caused me to temporarily also put Weight Watchers journey on-hold. I didn't do too bad for myself these past 3+ weeks traveling, however, I am looking at this upcoming Saturday as my day to become a born again WW member, well at least until I Greg and I head to Hampton Beach.

I am kind of looking at the summer as a time to maintain. I would love to lose another 5 lbs this summer, but I would even be happy with maintenance this summer. I feel like the summer is the hardest for me, even more difficult than the winter, which is crazy. I think it is the outdoor cafes, constant desire  for wine and cheese and the muggy, hot weather that all hinder my weigh loss opportunities. I know none of these are good excuses and it isn't like Greg and I have been good about cooking lately, but there is nothing that makes me want to cook less than a hot and humid NYC evening. Our apartment is hot enough, never mind what putting the stove, or let alone oven would do. It is bad enough after taking showers. Again, all not good excuses, but I am proud of myself for having a goal for this summer. I am not expecting to lose much more than 5 lbs this summer and then hoping to pick things back up after Labor Day and begin to get closer and closer to goal. It is still a bit scary for me to say that out loud.