I am not totally sure why I am finding this blog so important to write at this moment. I have an entire list of other topics I need to get out of my head at some point, but here goes nothing. I am sure I am already beginning to blush and turn red as I even think about where this blog is going to go. Maybe it is part of me thinking about my self and my fears and reading "May Cause Miracles" that is bringing up this topic, or perhaps it is the bizarre dream I had last night, regardless....here....goes....nothing.
As a fearful, paranoid child, raised Catholic, there were few things that scared me more than hell, and ultimately dying. I understand why religions have these concepts at the most basic level, they teach people how they are supposed to act, via good old fear. So, I guess I get that. However, for a young child, at the age of 6, 7, 12 and even 16, hell and death and dying were terrifying.
I can still remember laying on the bathroom floor after a nightmare. So certain I was going to get killed or die. I must of had night terrors when I was little, because I can still remember that fearful feeling I would wake up with at night. Next to death, dying and hell, there were always those certain things you were taught were wrong, "sins" if you will. Along with sins were those things you were NOT supposed to do and certainly not supposed to talk about.
Not only was I a fearful child, but I was an extremely curious child. A child full of whys and why nots. I am sure I may have been a bit exhausting at times. I am also rather certain that like many other animals and species we are born as sexual beings that have a "sexuality." It is still a difficult thing for me to even write about, let alone talk about. Sex was something I was not supposed to think about until I was married, was required to close my eyes when it showed up on t.v. and was something that we only talked about in health class in like the 6th grade when the girls and boys were separated and made to watch the "bodies are changing" video. Should I be surprised that to this day, I still am not totally comfortable discussing.
Then there is sexuality. Being raised Catholic in the late 70's 80's and 90's I am certain that no one even needs to be reminded what I was taught about sexuality and what was "right" and "wrong" as far as love and relationships, having children, getting married, etc.. I am not sure that anything was ever explicitly stated to me, but I also know that as a young child I was certainly curious and I am not sure that I even knew what it mean to be a "homosexual" at that time. I can remember being afraid to even look at other girls. I did not understand what it mean to be a lesbian and I can remember being afraid that if I thought a girl was pretty, that must mean I was a lesbian and since I was taught that was a bad thing, I was certainly going to hell. I can remember being in middle school and not really being sure what all this stuff was. I knew there were boys that I really liked and were attracted to, and then I knew I had girl friends that I thought were pretty. What did that mean? I clearly didn't understand the concept of sexual attraction and thought it was all the same. Having a "girl crush" and Zooey Deschanel were unheard of.
The best explanation I ever heard to try and explain sexuality was in my Human Sexuality course I took at Wheaton. There was an entire chapter about gender, gender identity, and sexuality. They explained sexuality, as being on a continuum, that it was based in Biology, and that it should be thought of as more of a continuum. I thought that was rather fascinating to be quite honest. I feel like the older I get the more I realize nothing is just black and white.
How sad is it that we as a society were so afraid to talk about such important things. How sad is it that I was so afraid for so long. How sad is it that sometimes at the age of 33, I still have that non-procreation sex guilt. Seriously, how sad is that?
In pre-school there was this boy who I would just make-out with. He and I use to just make out, non-stop. Where did we learn this at 3 or 4 years old? I would argue that we are, like many other animals, born sexual beings. I know that sounds impure and scary to some, but I would argue it should be liberating. We are sexual beings and we should learn to appreciate ourselves, our bodies and empower ourselves to learn what we like and what we don't. No, I am obviously not arguing that small children start doing this in kindergarten rooms across the country, but we do also have to understand how different we are culturally from the some of the world and sexually, certainly from biblical times.
I use to hear stories about how it got to the point that our parents had to create "rules" for us. That were at a loss and didn't know what else to do. We were only 4 or 5. We could only kiss when we saw each other and when we left. Again, where did this come from and how did we even know how to make-out at this young age, past life stuff, crazy kids, who knows, but it happened.
Growing up, I can also remember my mother wanting to have "the talk" with me. I remember it so clearly. I was in their room and sitting on her bed and she had come in to talk to me and I immediately put my fingers in my ears and ran out. Now, I am sure this is not exactly what happened, as I have no doubt this memory has been altered over time, but this is how I remember it happening, so this needs to be my birds and bees story. I never wanted to hear about it. It made me so incredibly uncomfortable, it made me want to run away and when I realized it could ultimately produce another sibling, I was certain to tell my parents I would run away if any more came along.
Why was I so uncomfortable with all of this. I know parents always talk about their fear of having "the talk" with their children. It can be embarrassing, I get that. It is one of those signs that your child is growing up, I get that too. But I would also argue that it is one of your opportunities as a parent to make the greatest impact and influence. I get why they can be nervous, but why was I so uncomfortable? While parents clearly aren't the be all and end all about how your children feel about sex and sexuality, I am thinking you could certainly have a positive influence.
I have to apologize here to my parents, as I never let them get passed the "we need to talk." I was so uncomfortable with it.
Imagine being open and honest about sex, sexuality and heck even your own experiences. I like to think that if and when I have children I, after maybe having a few bottles of champagne, will want to talk about the following things with my child.
I would want them to understand their bodies, understand what is changing, what they may be feeling and that it is totally normal, natural and they should not feel guilty about anything. I would want to talk to them about my own experiences and what I struggled with, maybe even show them this blog (see how many glasses of champagne I have). I would want to explain to them that sex can feel really good, explain to them how important it is for them to understand their bodies and to not feel guilty if they want to explore their own bodies and learn what feels good and what does not. As a women, I can say, it is much more complicated to figure out something you cannot see, than it is something you see every single time you go to the bathroom--how unfair, right? So not fair......
I would want to explain to them that when they are ready to have sex, they should talk to me and not feel guilty, or embarrassed. I would want to ensure they understand how to protect themselves from pregnancy, from emotional and physical pain, etc. I would want to try and explain that with great pleasure :) comes great responsibility. That there are methods to help prevent pregnancy, but that they need to understand that nothing is 100%. I would want to try and ensure they feel empowered, comfortable and most importantly, not guilty. They should not be afraid of sex, they should not feel like their life is over if they end up sleeping with someone and then realize they made the wrong decision. Life is all about making mistakes and learning and growing.
I would, most importantly, want to teach them that they while all of this is true, they have final say with what happens to, inside, outside, around, etc. their bodies. If they are ever uncomfortable, feel like someone did something they should not have, touched them in an inappropriate way, etc. they should also feel safe telling me. I would teach them the importance of respect and trust and let them know there is nothing more important than the way you treat the person you have sex with.
I would also want to talk with them about sexuality. I would want to see if there is anything they would want to talk about or if there are any questions they may have. More than anything, I think I would want to explain that I certainly don't have all the answers, but what I do know is that they should not feel guilty or wrong or bad for feeling and doing and thinking what they are feeling, doing and thinking.
I would want to talk to them about love and what a wonderful and amazing thing it is. I would let them know that the goal of life is not trying to find the love of your life. The goal of life is to learn, and grow and help and make a difference and to leave the world better than you found it. The goal of life is to love everyone as one, not find the one. Love isn't easy, love isn't perfect, love isn't fairy tales or princes or princesses on horseback rescuing you. You do not need to be rescued in any way. If you are a boy and love girl, I will always love you, if you are a boy and love another boy, I will always love you. If you are a girl and find yourself loving other girls, I will always love you and if you are a girl and love boys, I love you still. I would also warn them about broken hearts and suggest they try and live every moment to the fullest. I would tell them to not be afraid of love, even though in the end it may hurt them more than anything. I would remind them that loving themselves is the most important love they will ever have and it is the love that they should work the hardest on.
I wish I didn't grow up thinking of sex as scary and something that was wrong. Again, I am really not sure where any of this came from, I just know it is there. People have sex, parents have sex, grandparents have sex, people have sex. We should educate, empower and enjoy! It is a fear I have. I am grateful to have a partner who is patient, loving and understanding. I am grateful to have someone who I can talk about all of these things with, someone who I can be open and honest with and someone who is so much more comfortable discussing sex than I am. As we have established, I am super shy and uncomfortable with it all to this very day. Luckily, Greg is not.
You always hear boys talking about masturbation. Well, I guess perhaps I should say, it is common place to be discussed in movies, songs, on t.v and amongst close friends. When is the last time you heard women talking about this? Trust me, it is just as important for women to feel good, as it is men. It is just as much of a stress release for women as it is men and there should be no guilt for anyone, I am sorry.
Our bodies are beautiful. When I stop to even try and comprehend how we work and how everything pumps, and flows and digests, it is awe inspiring. We should never be embarrassed or bashful about anything having to do with our bodies. We should remember that we are beautiful and we should remember that we are beautiful to others and part of that beauty and attraction helps in encouraging pleasure and enjoyment and there is nothing wrong with that. I am hoping I can remember this too......We should love, appreciate and respect our bodies!
Let's try and make more love and less war, more love and less bullying, more love and less fighting, more love and less name calling, more love and less selfishness, more love and less jealousy, more love and less fear, more love and less greed. Imagine how much BETTER :) we would all feel if we put as much time, thoughts, energy and effort into love, sex and pleasure as we did into wars and bitching.
Have fun tonight, everyone!
and that's all she wrote...
always
Patty
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