It really made me start to think about how amazing and powerful nature can be. Areas that are devastated by natural and human disasters, from tornadoes, earthquakes, floods and fires to heck, nuclear meltdowns. Each of these present their own challenges and take a toll on human life, emotions and our willingness to have hope. Most recently we have even been suffering from lack of mother nature, the droughts across this country are crippling and devastating and we will all certainly be feeling the pain at the grocery store this fall when food prices rise.
Mother Nature really has the final say on everything here and we need to be nicer to her. For so long she and all of her children; plants, animals and yes even us destructive humans, have all been fighting, evolving, adjusting, shifting, breaking through sidewalks and growing around things to get that sun we need. For so long the bears have been pushed out of their homes, ice caps continue to melt and sea levels continue to rise, yet for some reason, Mother Nature has not yet given up on us, yet. She continues to show us reasons every day why we should continue fighting, We, supposedly the most intelligent beings on this planet, should continue to try and think about how our lives may affect others. Are there things we could do to not make it so necessary for plants and trees to fight so hard, when in many cases, I don't feel like we fight at all.
"Until now, Mother Earth has been able to tolerate our sloppy house habits. The stage has been reached where she can no longer accept our behavior in silence. The problems caused by environmental degradation can be seen as her response to our irresponsible behavior. She is warning us that there are limits even to her tolerance." ~H.H. the Dalai Lama
Now, this isn't to say we, as humans, don't have our own break-through moments of our own. It may be a personal rut you were in. You were feeling down and having a really hard time personally and professionally. Then, something happened to shift you. You maybe started thinking of things differently, you asked for positive energy to come your way, you read something or learned something that turned your previous perspective upside down. You had a break-through of you own and were able to soldier on as so many of us do every day.
The mind, while an amazing and wonderful thing, can sometimes be my own personal worst enemy. It has the power to make a break-through possible and has the power to keep you in that long-lasting rut. It has the power to make you feel good about yourself, and it has the power to keep listening to that awful tape that plays in your head all the time, you know the one, you aren't smart enough, you aren't pretty enough, you are too fat, or too thin, you will never make it, you cannot do that, you are silly for even trying. That tape is sometimes the only thing I hear. When my mind is at its worst, the tape is the loudest. We all need to continue to work on ways to retrain our minds. Find ways to ensure our minds are our best friends and not our worst enemies. For me personally, breathing and I know meditating (which I need to start doing as much as I discuss) really help to discipline the mind. I hope to someday really put a daily practice in place where I find the time to do something that puts me in a better place and makes break-through so much more possible.
Forever I would say to my closest friends that I wanted to write a book, I wanted to write a book. I had chapters and book titles and character names and even a few attempts all saved on my computer. This cycle would happen multiple times. I would get a burst of energy and motivation, a break-through if you will, and I would feverishly begin typing away. I have some starts of books that are 5-10 pages long. I even went through a poetry phase back in 2007, I have a good half dozen poems that I was really proud of, but they just feel too raw and personal to share. I would then go to bed and the motivation was gone. It was like it just totally left me. My break-through moment was so close I could taste it and it was just as fleeting as it had initially felt strong.
It is so strange how we get granted with motivation and inspiration. It almost feels like if you don't stay up all night and force yourself to stick with it initially it may be gone by the next morning. Where do these feelings come from? Am I the only one that gets these bursts of random ideas? Sometimes they are business related and I come up with an idea for a company or business ( I have a business plan or two), sometimes they are inventions, like ooh, wouldn't it be awesome if "x" existed (don't want to give any ideas away) and sometimes it is just this uncontrollable feeling and desire to write. I would have to say the writing is what comes most often. It is like something that just swoops over me and while I have it, I have to do it, I cannot wait.
Now, back to my books, I was so stuck. I was so stuck in getting past the details that it would just hold me back. I would write a few pages and paragraphs but then I would begin doubting my inspiration and skills. I never claimed to be a writer, yet it was all I wanted to do. I know in some scenarios this isn't possible. There are some professions and hobbies that you cannot really do if you aren't good at them. I was so focused on my tenses, what perspective the story should be told from, how my spelling, grammar and sentence structure was and heck if people would like the character's names I chose, that I could just never get past it. I was so afraid of what others thought, of being judged, others not liking what I did and making fun of it that I wouldn't let anything out.
It wasn't until just recently that I said, hell with it. I want to write. I need to write. It all started from an early age. When I was in 1st and 2nd grade I remember writing stories from Mrs. Brandon and Mrs. Montessi. I would write really long stories (well, what is really long in 1st grade, a page or two?)and I would of course, accompany them with my best attempt at illustrations. When I was in Project Acorn, 3rd grade I think, maybe 4th, I actually created a book series. For the life of me I cannot remember what it was about, but I remember my dad bringing me home little white books that I would just fill with information. I have a feeling it may have been choose your own adventure type with court cases, or something, but I am not completely sure. As I got older I had to write papers for school, but I wrote for enjoyment in notes to friends (folded up so nicely), b-day cards and my always present journals. I would often get made fun of, in a loving way, for my ridiculously long and wordy cards, letters and notes. I couldn't help it. I had a lot to get out, I guess.
I have always found myself to be a wordy person, always. I have also often been more honest with people than I should, again, in a loving way, but possible in an often inappropriate way. I was never afraid to let people know I cared for them, it often felt like a necessary thing to do. I couldn't imagine someone not knowing I cared about them. I have no doubt this was often uncomfortable and possibly annoying at times, but you know what, in the end I am just glad they know I care.
So, a few months ago, I resurrected this blog. I had started it initially back in 2009, but posted so sporadically it cannot not even be counted as a blog. These past few months, I have really been trying to write again. I guess maybe in my hunt for my passion, I am finally able to admit that writing really is my passion. Wow, I just got a really weird feeling when I said that, almost goosebumps and my eyes teared up a little. I guess there is some irony in this. Writing makes me happy, it allows me, a rather introverted person, to have a chance to put my thoughts and feelings out there in a somewhat safe space. I have realized I just have to get over what people think. I have spent so much of my life worrying about how people feel about me, what they think of me, if they think I am good enough, worthy enough etc. I have no doubt I will spell things wrong, have run-on sentences (my speciality), grammatical errors, incomplete sentences and things not everyone will agree with. Don't get me wrong, I still worry about all of these things, I just have had to soldier on and push through them. Some of my most recent blogs, especially, have made me so anxious and nervous. They have been very real and raw and I really put myself out there in ways I never dreamed I would.
I started writing this blog literally thinking about that plant growing through the side walk. I didn't know where it was going to take me when I wrote it down a few weeks ago. I was walking home saw the plant and got on my iPhone immediately and wrote "Break-Through" on a note as I knew I wanted to talk about it. In a million years I never imagined I would have my own personal break-through while writing this blog.
I guess I may have to embrace the fact that I will probably never make a career out of my passion. My initial reason for starting the blog was to get comfortable writing again. It was my hope that if I could get into the flow and have the motivation come more often, that writing those dream books of mine may some day occur. I am not a professional writer, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have no doubt that like many professions it takes time, practice, energy and effort. It also, for me at least, takes real moments of inspiration. It needs to be written when it comes to me or it may go away. I need to find better ways to manage this onslaught of thoughts as I do also have a very busy career of my own. I need to find ways to get past that page 5 barrier and need to find ways to be able to get back to that same book the next day, or at least at some point that week. I guess at this point I ask the universe to keep sending me the inspirations and hopefully I will, at some point, find a way to harness them and call on them and utilize them more regularly.
I am also hopeful to find a way to somehow utilize my writing for the greater good. I am not sure that my childhood adventures series, I hope to write someday, will make any lasting global change, but it is my new mission to try and encourage people to think differently. I am reading an extremely thought-provoking book right now, may even say a break-through type book, "Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World" http://www.amazon.com/Think-Straight-Women-Smart-Dumbed-Down/dp/1593156596 and it is truly changing how I think about so many things. It is making me realize there is so much time I should be putting into learning, reading, doing and as a women, the things I should care about and focus on (thanks again Kitty for the suggestion). It is hard to acknowledge that I am not really good at my passion, but for now, I am going to just go with it and openly acknowledge it from the beginning. I am like a toddler learning to walk here. You are all watching me stumble, have trouble taking that next step, falling and crying again and again.
I continue to look towards Nature for my inspirations for reasons we should not give up that I should not give up. I continue to look towards our environment to remind me daily of all we should be looking out for and taking care of, that we are just not. It makes me smile to see a flower growing after a fire, or a tree fighting for its life, it gives me goosebumps just to know how far polar bears have to swim to get to their next iceberg and all that penguins go through to ensure the safety of their little ones. Nature is an amazing thing and there are so many animals that continue to march on and do what is necessary wanting nothing more than respect and the ability to live. They fight for survival, to feed their young and to find a place to live. We could learn more from their ability to soldier on.
What am I trying to say here, I guess I am trying to say, don't give up. Believe that you will have a break-through moment if you are waiting for one. But, also, you may need to work at it. Maybe you need to work on calming your mind, keeping an idea journal or doing daily meditations. Maybe you need to read more books and articles about what you are most passionate about to find that inspiration. Are there ways you can help to bring about those amazing moments? If all is good right now, and you are content and don't feel like you are pushing against anything, not struggling to find happiness, than be grateful and settle in on that acknowledgement and realization. Don't be afraid of paying close attention to the inspiration that comes your way. Find ways to harness it as soon as it happens and when all else fails look to that little plant growing up through the sidewalk and know that much is possible if you fight and believe in yourself.
Coming up next:
What 5 year olds teach me
Morals and ethics in an ever polarized world
And that's all she wrote...
And that's all she wrote...