I like to think that the huge success of Pharrell Williams' song "Happy" has something to do with the world today. We weren't ready for it until now. When he first released it it went nowhere..... I like to think the human race is starting to come around on a few levels. There is certainly still a lot of anger, hate and injustice in this world. I am not going to deny that, however, I often think the music of the times has a lot to say and show of the times. Music has often been a way for people to come together, voice appreciation, concern, hopes, dreams and disappointments. It has been a way to tell stories and believe in a better tomorrow. Granted to the artists it is often something quite different, self expression, a craft and a way to really bare their soul.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Monday, April 7, 2014
When the compliments stop
This isn't my first rodeo, you may say. As someone who has struggled with her weight since about the 4th grade, I know how this goes. When you are on your way down, size wise, weight-wise, etc. everyone seems to notice and compliment and encourage. When you are on the way back-up, there is nothing but silence and the silence is deafening.
Monday, March 10, 2014
No fricken clue.....I don't know.....I am not sure.....Maybe?????
So there are days where I am quite proud of myself and the life I have worked to create. I know I have received a ton of love and support along the way. From my family, to friends, teachers, bosses, aunts, uncles and cousins. I have received a lot of support during the course of my lifetime and I certainly feel that it does take a village. There have always been different folks I turn to for different types of advice. There are some people I speak with for emotional advice, those I speak with for professional advice, those I speak for interpersonal advice, etc. etc. I continue to remain gratefu for the love and support I continue tor to receive whether I be in Uxbridge, Norton or New York City.
As proud as I am for applying to and "paying" my own way through graduate school (loans paying back for the rest of my life why paying in in quotes) and as proud as I am for picking up and moving to a brand new city, only knowing Greg. As proud as I am for having found a job here in the city where I knew no body and as proud as I am for having been at Children's Aid now for the past going on 9 years and working my way from a Coordinator, to a Manager, Senior Manager and now Director, when it comes to many things about my life, I still have no fricken clue.
When I was a kid I can remember thinking I would be married with a full-on family by the time I was 26. I would certainly own a home and live right down the street from my parents. I would own a car and have a yard and a washer and dryer. I thought when I was little it must all be so much easier to figure out when you are older becuase you have so much more experince and are so much wiser and just privyed to such much more information.
How wrong was I?? I think I did a pretty good job at being a kid. I had more figured out then than I sometimes think I do now. I pretty much "knew" my plan or I thought I did. I needed to do well in school that year to be promoted to the next grade. I needed to do well and practice my activies and do my homework. I had college as an eventual goal and again, marriage and kids were kind of always a given.
Life was so much easier when it didn't feel like there were options. I mean, I guess there were different activities I could have done, but I did the activities I enjoyed most and was decent enough at to participate in. Second grade became Third grade and as long as you did your work, passed your test and picked-up on the skills and emotional cues you would meet your goal and be in third grade the next year.
These days, I just feel like there are so many things that my answer is "I have no fricken clue" or to be more blunt..."I don't fuckin' know."
Greg and I have been together for nearly 13 years now, I know crazy, right? Even though we were together for a long time, we always knew marriage was our next step. We always knew that, there were no questions about getting married. Granted we had to plan it and pick a date, etc. but in the grand scheme of things, wasn't too stressful and we had a fuckin' clue about that.
Now that we are married and both much more "established" in our careers and our lives you feel the pressure to be "more grown-up." Or I do anyways.
I sit here in Manhattan with my 35th year on the horizon. I sit here and often wonder if I am the only person feeling this way. I sit and I look around at my friends, whether be lifelong or Facebook. I know they always say don't compare yourself to others, and it isn't really in a comparing kind of way. It is just in an intriguing kind of way. I am so curiuos how you know. I am so curiuos how you knew. I am so curious how you are so much braver than me? I am certain that as a women, knowing there is only so long you can safely and biologically have children there is always this window that seems to close each and every year. Like my window of opportunity is shrinking.
So, as the song goes, Patty and Greg sitting in a tree...K I S S I N G, first comes love, then comes marriage....we all know what comes next and it isn't supposed to be then comes Patty not being sure about a baby carriage. I am extremely grateful to have so many friends in my world that have children and also a fair amount who have decided not to have children. It is one of the questions that Greg and I continue to grapel with. We continue to talk about and I continue to live in the I have no fricken clue place.
I always imagined myself as a mother. I always imagined myself with children. It wasn't until the last few years that I really started thinking about it maybe not being the case. I almost feel like we should have had kids at like 26 so we didn't have the chance to think about it so much. We spin our wheels about how we will do it by ourselves with our families in other states, we spin our wheels about cost. How do two people work full time and have a baby. We spin our wheels about child care and space and just everything. I know folks always say that you find a way to make it work. That would normally be my philosophy, but as someone who has had panic and anxiety become much more of their life than it used to be, I also have to think about that. I want to be the best mom I can be. I have no doubt my kid(s) would end up in therapy, but whose don't. We all do the best we can with our kids and I have no doubt Greg and I would too. No doubt.
So, are we going to have kids, I really have no fricken clue. I hang out with my friends' children and I want kids so bad. I see a cute kid on the subway or in the neighborhood and I want nothing more than to be a mom and share lives experiences with someone. I spend time with Greg and just think, cranky, we would have such a cute and cool kid. But that is all the ideal. That is all what is on Facebook, that isn't what happens as a new mom when I already have a heavy predisposition to panic and panic attacks and it is the first few weeks so sleep is lacking. It isn't what happens when I find myself unsure what to do like the thousands of years of mothers before me. When I am feeling good and confident, I talk about "our kids" like it is an inevitable. When I realize that I have no fricken clue, I write a blog like this.
I would want to be the best parent ever. There are so many things I have always thought about wanting to do with my own children, it makes me sad to think it may not happen. At the same time, I also know Greg and I's financial situation in the city. We get by just fine for two working professionals living in the city without a car and no dependents. Once you start talking about costs for a healthy baby, it becomes stressful. Figure in the possibilty of having a child with mental or physical challenges and it becomes overwhelming. Again, I would want to be the best, most loving mom ever for our child and knowing there is always a possibility of having a child with a mental or physical challenge, is it fair for us to have a child, knowing we wouldn't have the resources to provide those types of supports in the city?
So, question......are you and Greg going to have kids.......answer......no fricken clue.
Onto the next area. For those of you who don't know, Greg and I have plans to get a Wheaten Terrier in July we are so very excited and cannot wait to welcome this lil guy' into our family! We have been thinking and planning and saving and we are just too excited. With thoughts of the pup have come thoughts of possibly moving out of the city. We actually went to look at some apartments up in Yonkers this past weekend. They were huge and right on the water, so we have so much to think about. Are we ready to move out of the city......I have no fricken clue. I think we are both on the fence. The thought of having more space, a washer and dryer, amenities and more room for us and the pup would be incredible. It would be so nice to be on the Hudson and while it would be a little bit more of a commute part of me is truly in love with the idea of moving outside of the city. Getting away from the hustle and the bustle (the honeymoon really put this into perspective for me). Having quiet nights and weekends. Having neighbors I interact with more often. Part of me feels like I am really in love with this idea.
Or, maybe it is just a crush? Maybe we would move up there and we would love it for 6 months and then be miserable. Maybe we would miss the city and find that it is jus so inconveninet. Maybe we would realize we really needed a car and we end up spending more than we wanted and aren't able to save what we had hoped.
How do people make these decisions. I continue to wish that life was a choose your own adventure book. That you could live out one scenario to see what would happen if you took a left and see what would happen, how you would feel and how it would all turn out. If after seeing how it turns out you were not happy with that, you could then turn back to page 11 and decide to take that right instead. Knowing in advance that this was the better way to go.
I know life is the way it is for a reason. I have no doubt that all of my experiences and mistakes have made me the person I am. They have taught me the lessons I am meant to learn this go-round. I cannot think of anyone or anything I have ever met or experienced that hasn't impacted my life and who I am today--in some way. I know that and I get it.
I just honestly have no idea and am not sure if we will move out of the city. To be honest part of the Yonkers appeal is also because we do think so much about kids and wanting to ensure we have the room and space. Wanting to ensure we can provide the best environment we are able to.
So, question.............are you and Greg moving out of the city....... answer.... I have no fricken clue.
Knowing what we make and what our expenses look to be for the foreseeable future, after we make our first-step decision about short term where will we be living for the next few years, we also have the are you and Greg going to buy a house question. Like much of which I have been battling with lately, my entire life I always assumed I would own a home. A home with a yard. A home with a driveway. I always assumed I would have a washer, dryer and a car. This is all I saw growing up, so I just kind of thought that was how it worked.
NYC is a whole new world, for me anyways. There are some people who own, but most folks who own are outside of Manhattan, or at least outside of the bouroughs. Some people I talk to in the city about owning will say "why would you ever want to own a house" then others say "why wouldn't you want to own a house." I think if we could come up with a downpayment we would be looking at owning much more seriously, but unfortuantely with student loans and Manhattan rents, saving is a slow and steady process. We just finished saving 2 years for our wedding/honeymoon, so I think we can expect at least another 2 ish years of saving up for a downpayment. I think that makes sense.
But, when I am in our apartment and the bathroom breaks, or the ceiling collapses, it is nice to just call the super and say, "Hey, Ray, come and fix our ____fill in the blank" It is nice to not need to shovel, or mow or replace, anything. Granted we have been throwing our rent into a black hole of sorts for nearly 10 years now, but I guess I don't have to shovel.
Challenge with moving upstate are really all about needing to get a car and needing to afford the monthly Metro North Fees which can reach nearly $500/person/month. Much of the reason we are still in the city is because of the fact that we don't need a car and the monthly metro is only $112/month. Which may sound like a lot, but with no car, gas, insurance, parking, etc. it isn't bad for all our monthly travel.
So, question.......are Greg and I looking to buy a house some day soon.....answer I have no fricken clue!
I am so grateful that there are options out there. I am so grateful that we have the freedom to decide and know that our families and friends will support us regardless. I appreciate all of this, but I have to say choices and so many options with so many implications can be really, really, really overwhelming. I need to get back to the gut level of decision making because all of this analysis gives me a headache.
I think I need to learn to trust my gut and trust my instincts on some of this more. I am normally a gut decider and because I am not allowing myself that gut reaction, I am finding it nearly impossible to decide. I just feel like these are all such important decisions and I would never want someone else (our kids) to suffer because of our oversight. It reminds me of the Radio Lab episode about choice. It went over a few scenarios about how your brain works and stores information, but I think the most interesting one was about the chocolate cake.
There were people who were brought into a room and they were given a piece of paper that had a number they needed to memorize. The numbers ranged for 3 digits to 9 digits. The people were in the room with their piece of paper and were told they need to remember their numbers. They were given a few minutes to memorize their numbers. They would then walk down a long hallway to where they needed to report out their numbers. As people were walking down the hall they were offered a piece of chocolate cake or a fruit cup. What they ended up finding was that while everyone walking down the hallway was practicing their numbers as they walked, those people with less digitis pretty much always chose the fruit cup, while those trying to remember more numbers all took the chocolate cake. The thought being that your brain can on hold onto and process so many variables and factors and make wise decisions. Those who weren't stressed about remembering their number had more time to think about the chocolate cake and whether they should really have it. Those that were so preocupied with memorizing the longer numbers didn't even think, they just took the chocolate cake.
What is the moral of this story.....well, I guess I need to find ways to free my mind up a bit to make the important decisions and eat more fruit cups. Take things one step at a time. Don't even get me started on what is your passion and what do you want to do for the rest of your life. I really have no fricken' clue other than save the world and pet puppies.
For now, I am just going to focus on moving in the next few months and the dog. I am not going beyond that right now because I am not sure how helpful it is or will be. After we get situated with the dog, we will revisit the next item that I have no fricken clue about.
I am grateful for choice, I am grateful for diverse experiences and I am grateful for options. It just seemed a bit "easier" when the path was planned out for you as a little kid. Being a grown-up is hard work! <3 p="">
And that's all she wrote...
Patty
As proud as I am for applying to and "paying" my own way through graduate school (loans paying back for the rest of my life why paying in in quotes) and as proud as I am for picking up and moving to a brand new city, only knowing Greg. As proud as I am for having found a job here in the city where I knew no body and as proud as I am for having been at Children's Aid now for the past going on 9 years and working my way from a Coordinator, to a Manager, Senior Manager and now Director, when it comes to many things about my life, I still have no fricken clue.
When I was a kid I can remember thinking I would be married with a full-on family by the time I was 26. I would certainly own a home and live right down the street from my parents. I would own a car and have a yard and a washer and dryer. I thought when I was little it must all be so much easier to figure out when you are older becuase you have so much more experince and are so much wiser and just privyed to such much more information.
How wrong was I?? I think I did a pretty good job at being a kid. I had more figured out then than I sometimes think I do now. I pretty much "knew" my plan or I thought I did. I needed to do well in school that year to be promoted to the next grade. I needed to do well and practice my activies and do my homework. I had college as an eventual goal and again, marriage and kids were kind of always a given.
Life was so much easier when it didn't feel like there were options. I mean, I guess there were different activities I could have done, but I did the activities I enjoyed most and was decent enough at to participate in. Second grade became Third grade and as long as you did your work, passed your test and picked-up on the skills and emotional cues you would meet your goal and be in third grade the next year.
These days, I just feel like there are so many things that my answer is "I have no fricken clue" or to be more blunt..."I don't fuckin' know."
Greg and I have been together for nearly 13 years now, I know crazy, right? Even though we were together for a long time, we always knew marriage was our next step. We always knew that, there were no questions about getting married. Granted we had to plan it and pick a date, etc. but in the grand scheme of things, wasn't too stressful and we had a fuckin' clue about that.
Now that we are married and both much more "established" in our careers and our lives you feel the pressure to be "more grown-up." Or I do anyways.
I sit here in Manhattan with my 35th year on the horizon. I sit here and often wonder if I am the only person feeling this way. I sit and I look around at my friends, whether be lifelong or Facebook. I know they always say don't compare yourself to others, and it isn't really in a comparing kind of way. It is just in an intriguing kind of way. I am so curiuos how you know. I am so curiuos how you knew. I am so curious how you are so much braver than me? I am certain that as a women, knowing there is only so long you can safely and biologically have children there is always this window that seems to close each and every year. Like my window of opportunity is shrinking.
So, as the song goes, Patty and Greg sitting in a tree...K I S S I N G, first comes love, then comes marriage....we all know what comes next and it isn't supposed to be then comes Patty not being sure about a baby carriage. I am extremely grateful to have so many friends in my world that have children and also a fair amount who have decided not to have children. It is one of the questions that Greg and I continue to grapel with. We continue to talk about and I continue to live in the I have no fricken clue place.
I always imagined myself as a mother. I always imagined myself with children. It wasn't until the last few years that I really started thinking about it maybe not being the case. I almost feel like we should have had kids at like 26 so we didn't have the chance to think about it so much. We spin our wheels about how we will do it by ourselves with our families in other states, we spin our wheels about cost. How do two people work full time and have a baby. We spin our wheels about child care and space and just everything. I know folks always say that you find a way to make it work. That would normally be my philosophy, but as someone who has had panic and anxiety become much more of their life than it used to be, I also have to think about that. I want to be the best mom I can be. I have no doubt my kid(s) would end up in therapy, but whose don't. We all do the best we can with our kids and I have no doubt Greg and I would too. No doubt.
So, are we going to have kids, I really have no fricken clue. I hang out with my friends' children and I want kids so bad. I see a cute kid on the subway or in the neighborhood and I want nothing more than to be a mom and share lives experiences with someone. I spend time with Greg and just think, cranky, we would have such a cute and cool kid. But that is all the ideal. That is all what is on Facebook, that isn't what happens as a new mom when I already have a heavy predisposition to panic and panic attacks and it is the first few weeks so sleep is lacking. It isn't what happens when I find myself unsure what to do like the thousands of years of mothers before me. When I am feeling good and confident, I talk about "our kids" like it is an inevitable. When I realize that I have no fricken clue, I write a blog like this.
I would want to be the best parent ever. There are so many things I have always thought about wanting to do with my own children, it makes me sad to think it may not happen. At the same time, I also know Greg and I's financial situation in the city. We get by just fine for two working professionals living in the city without a car and no dependents. Once you start talking about costs for a healthy baby, it becomes stressful. Figure in the possibilty of having a child with mental or physical challenges and it becomes overwhelming. Again, I would want to be the best, most loving mom ever for our child and knowing there is always a possibility of having a child with a mental or physical challenge, is it fair for us to have a child, knowing we wouldn't have the resources to provide those types of supports in the city?
So, question......are you and Greg going to have kids.......answer......no fricken clue.
Onto the next area. For those of you who don't know, Greg and I have plans to get a Wheaten Terrier in July we are so very excited and cannot wait to welcome this lil guy' into our family! We have been thinking and planning and saving and we are just too excited. With thoughts of the pup have come thoughts of possibly moving out of the city. We actually went to look at some apartments up in Yonkers this past weekend. They were huge and right on the water, so we have so much to think about. Are we ready to move out of the city......I have no fricken clue. I think we are both on the fence. The thought of having more space, a washer and dryer, amenities and more room for us and the pup would be incredible. It would be so nice to be on the Hudson and while it would be a little bit more of a commute part of me is truly in love with the idea of moving outside of the city. Getting away from the hustle and the bustle (the honeymoon really put this into perspective for me). Having quiet nights and weekends. Having neighbors I interact with more often. Part of me feels like I am really in love with this idea.
Or, maybe it is just a crush? Maybe we would move up there and we would love it for 6 months and then be miserable. Maybe we would miss the city and find that it is jus so inconveninet. Maybe we would realize we really needed a car and we end up spending more than we wanted and aren't able to save what we had hoped.
How do people make these decisions. I continue to wish that life was a choose your own adventure book. That you could live out one scenario to see what would happen if you took a left and see what would happen, how you would feel and how it would all turn out. If after seeing how it turns out you were not happy with that, you could then turn back to page 11 and decide to take that right instead. Knowing in advance that this was the better way to go.
I know life is the way it is for a reason. I have no doubt that all of my experiences and mistakes have made me the person I am. They have taught me the lessons I am meant to learn this go-round. I cannot think of anyone or anything I have ever met or experienced that hasn't impacted my life and who I am today--in some way. I know that and I get it.
I just honestly have no idea and am not sure if we will move out of the city. To be honest part of the Yonkers appeal is also because we do think so much about kids and wanting to ensure we have the room and space. Wanting to ensure we can provide the best environment we are able to.
So, question.............are you and Greg moving out of the city....... answer.... I have no fricken clue.
Knowing what we make and what our expenses look to be for the foreseeable future, after we make our first-step decision about short term where will we be living for the next few years, we also have the are you and Greg going to buy a house question. Like much of which I have been battling with lately, my entire life I always assumed I would own a home. A home with a yard. A home with a driveway. I always assumed I would have a washer, dryer and a car. This is all I saw growing up, so I just kind of thought that was how it worked.
NYC is a whole new world, for me anyways. There are some people who own, but most folks who own are outside of Manhattan, or at least outside of the bouroughs. Some people I talk to in the city about owning will say "why would you ever want to own a house" then others say "why wouldn't you want to own a house." I think if we could come up with a downpayment we would be looking at owning much more seriously, but unfortuantely with student loans and Manhattan rents, saving is a slow and steady process. We just finished saving 2 years for our wedding/honeymoon, so I think we can expect at least another 2 ish years of saving up for a downpayment. I think that makes sense.
But, when I am in our apartment and the bathroom breaks, or the ceiling collapses, it is nice to just call the super and say, "Hey, Ray, come and fix our ____fill in the blank" It is nice to not need to shovel, or mow or replace, anything. Granted we have been throwing our rent into a black hole of sorts for nearly 10 years now, but I guess I don't have to shovel.
Challenge with moving upstate are really all about needing to get a car and needing to afford the monthly Metro North Fees which can reach nearly $500/person/month. Much of the reason we are still in the city is because of the fact that we don't need a car and the monthly metro is only $112/month. Which may sound like a lot, but with no car, gas, insurance, parking, etc. it isn't bad for all our monthly travel.
So, question.......are Greg and I looking to buy a house some day soon.....answer I have no fricken clue!
I am so grateful that there are options out there. I am so grateful that we have the freedom to decide and know that our families and friends will support us regardless. I appreciate all of this, but I have to say choices and so many options with so many implications can be really, really, really overwhelming. I need to get back to the gut level of decision making because all of this analysis gives me a headache.
I think I need to learn to trust my gut and trust my instincts on some of this more. I am normally a gut decider and because I am not allowing myself that gut reaction, I am finding it nearly impossible to decide. I just feel like these are all such important decisions and I would never want someone else (our kids) to suffer because of our oversight. It reminds me of the Radio Lab episode about choice. It went over a few scenarios about how your brain works and stores information, but I think the most interesting one was about the chocolate cake.
There were people who were brought into a room and they were given a piece of paper that had a number they needed to memorize. The numbers ranged for 3 digits to 9 digits. The people were in the room with their piece of paper and were told they need to remember their numbers. They were given a few minutes to memorize their numbers. They would then walk down a long hallway to where they needed to report out their numbers. As people were walking down the hall they were offered a piece of chocolate cake or a fruit cup. What they ended up finding was that while everyone walking down the hallway was practicing their numbers as they walked, those people with less digitis pretty much always chose the fruit cup, while those trying to remember more numbers all took the chocolate cake. The thought being that your brain can on hold onto and process so many variables and factors and make wise decisions. Those who weren't stressed about remembering their number had more time to think about the chocolate cake and whether they should really have it. Those that were so preocupied with memorizing the longer numbers didn't even think, they just took the chocolate cake.
What is the moral of this story.....well, I guess I need to find ways to free my mind up a bit to make the important decisions and eat more fruit cups. Take things one step at a time. Don't even get me started on what is your passion and what do you want to do for the rest of your life. I really have no fricken' clue other than save the world and pet puppies.
For now, I am just going to focus on moving in the next few months and the dog. I am not going beyond that right now because I am not sure how helpful it is or will be. After we get situated with the dog, we will revisit the next item that I have no fricken clue about.
I am grateful for choice, I am grateful for diverse experiences and I am grateful for options. It just seemed a bit "easier" when the path was planned out for you as a little kid. Being a grown-up is hard work! <3 p="">
And that's all she wrote...
Patty
Sunday, March 9, 2014
My secret honeymoon......
I cannot believe that I haven't posted a blog since November. I need to get back into the habit of getting my thoughts down on paper. I think what I have realized is that many of my thoughts were really driven by panic and anxiety. As my medication continues to keep me much more even-keeled, I find that I don't have as much in my head that I feel I need to get out. I often think of things I want to write about, the difference now is the "need" to get it out of my head and onto paper. What used to be thoughts that would roll around in my mind until I let them out, now kind of come and go much more freely, more easily and less stressful. So, I need to continue to find opportunities to put things down because I still truly enjoy writing and getting these things out of my head.
Friday, November 8, 2013
It took me 34 years to finally.....
It took me 34 years to finally.......watch the sun rise.
I am fairly confident I have been up and outside when the sun is rising, multiple times. This, however, was different. This was watching with a sense of purpose, a sense of gratitude and a real sense of amazement. It was really awe inspiring and breath taking to be outside with the sole intention of watching the sun rise. I am grateful to have started off my day in this way and I certainly look forward to doing it again soon!
I am fairly confident I have been up and outside when the sun is rising, multiple times. This, however, was different. This was watching with a sense of purpose, a sense of gratitude and a real sense of amazement. It was really awe inspiring and breath taking to be outside with the sole intention of watching the sun rise. I am grateful to have started off my day in this way and I certainly look forward to doing it again soon!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
"WTF Happened?"
So, I have been throwing this around in my head for the past few days. I have been trying to figure out how to write this blog, what to say and how to use my words to make a difference to someone out there. I really try hard to write about things I think may "speak" to someone. I really try and put myself out there in an effort to have someone be able to say "ok, I am not alone...she feels that way too" or "ok, I am not alone, she has thought about that too." I have always felt a real calling to help. I have always felt like sharing experiences, sharing wisdom, sharing challenges is the best way to help. I say it again and again, but life is hard. Whether it is helping one person, or helping 1,000, I have to believe that it is always important to try. I also have to be careful because I am so drained when I help. I take on the challenges and feelings of others. So, blogging has allowed me to try and help while being more removed and passive in the process--in an effort to keep my energy.
So, WTF happened, right?
So, WTF happened, right?
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Norman
No blog will ever do Norman justice. He was a gentle giant. He was a mush and a lover. He loved nothing more than playing fetch, watching the birds who tormented him daily, cuddling with mommy and daddy and sharing our meals with us.
He was the king of our castle and he ruled this house. Something on Norman's chair, we moved it, something bothering Norman, we stopped it. We left NPR on when we went away and spoiled him with toys and constant flowing fresh water.
He could fetch, he could sit and he could shake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0GJ3Eoe6Hs&feature=em-upload_owner#action=share He was our son. He was a part of our family. He was the best cat ever, I am sorry, but he was.
He was a comedian and he had a big personality. He would cop attitude, yell at us when we got home from vacation and most recently pee on the floor when he was fed up.
Some of his favorite things to do were to bed down on us...we would call it "pill pill." He would knead down with those crazy cat like claws of his, no matter how many times we trimmed them. He would pill, pill and zone out and get this happy zen like look on his face. He would go back and forth between Greg and I until he would settle down for a few minutes. He would often go back and forth, being certain to equally distribute his love.
He did love and adore his daddy. I have no doubt he loved me, but Greg was his favorite and I am ok with this. He loved his daddy. He would sit in Greg's arms and just purr. Greg would love him, cuddle him, pet him and play fight with him. All which Norman loved and all which set Patty up to be attacked when Greg would travel.
Greg would travel for work or home to see family. I would most often be laying innocently in bed. Norman would jump up on the bed, stand on my chest and after one look at him and his wild eyes, I would know I was his prey. He would most often latch onto my arm probably saying, " mom, why aren't you playing, why aren't you fighting back." I will forever have scars on my arm :) He didn't mean to hurt me, he is a wild animal after all and it was kind of nice to see that side of him, sometimes. That wild side. That side that has come down from his kitty cat ancestors.
I think of all of his ancestors, all those wild cats out there. I think they would say Norm had a good life. He got to live in 2 awesome cities, Boston and NYC. He was a NYC cat and you know what they say, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
He became infamous in all circles of our life. His name was signed on most holiday cards I sent out, I talk about him all the time and heck, he even made it into our wedding ceremony. He was a very special cat and I like to think he is bragging about his pretty cool NYC life wherever he is.
Not only did we leave NPR on for him, sometimes we would leave the light on for him and if nothing else, he got the AC in the summer even if we weren't home. We often use to joke that Norm needed to get a job to start paying his way. We loved our dear sweet Norman and I feel just so grateful to have had my little buddy for 9 amazing and wonderful years.
I have always been afraid to love, always been afraid to care for this very reason. I feel like those I care most about are always taken. I feel like they are always taken too soon. Norman has reminded me that sometimes it is worth it. It was totally worth everything to have these 9 years with Norman--even if they were way too short.
I still really feel like this is all a dream, like I will surely wake up. It all happened so fast. Other than peeing a few times over the past few months outside of his box, he was happy go lucky, Norm. Fetching, shaking, cuddling. No sign of suffering, pain, or problems at all.
I really am torn up and heartbroken. I really miss my little buddy more than words could ever describe. I keep finding myself fighting the urge to call his name. When Greg traveled was when we had our best bonding time. You see, recently the wild Norman had gone away. He has become a big, huge mush ball. He has been so lovey and cuddly.
Every night when I get home from work, we have the same dance. I open the door and he is at the door waiting, he runs out into the hallway. He does a quick stretch, the madonna move and sometimes runs over to 4C where his friends use to live. I then walk behind him and he walks back into the apartment. I will miss having this dance with Norman every night and every time we come home.
I will miss knowing that when I rang our door buzzer a certain way, Norm knew we were home. I will miss his excitement and greeting of any and all delivery men. Delivery for us, normally meant a small treat for him.
I will miss being woken up at 4 and 5 a.m. to a cat wanting to cuddle. I will miss our nightly battles over his wanting to share in my dinner. I will miss watching him sleep and snore so loudly. I will miss his puke, I will miss his dry food nearly killing me every morning I step on it with bare feet. I swear he would strategically place it sometimes to ensure it was in our path each morning. I will miss his stinky poop and crazy amounts of pee. Seriously, he produced the amount of a waste of a small child :) I will miss him tracking his litter all across the apartment. I am not sure how it got it from the litter box to the bed. Sometimes I think he tightened his claws and walked slowly and just opened them when he got on the bed and it would all come out from between his toes.
I will miss seeing him with his favorite toy "lickey". I will miss him thumping on kong https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pB2vv0ia8NU. I will miss watching him clean himself for what seemed like hours after each meal. I will miss his stinka face. I will miss watching him chase the birds in the bedroom window. I have no doubt he caught them where he is now. I will miss so much. I am so glad I decided to open the window for him today. It was cold, but at the last minute. I opened the shade and gave him his birds.
I will miss my friend and my buddy. I will miss always having someone to talk to. I spoke with him like he was a person. I will miss having someone to blame farts and stinks on. Everything in our house was "Norman's fault." I feel like the silence will be deafening. I write all of this home alone as Greg is actually at a conference in Boston. It is quiet now, but I have no doubt Norman will pass away all over again when I see Greg.
I really cannot believe it.
I would like to take a few moments to honor his last few minutes here. Just because I feel it helpful to talk about what happened and what I saw.
So, I had a 6pm acupuncture appointment tonight. I would normally have come straight home. On the way home from acupuncture, shortly after 7, I went to the grocery store. I bought the following (no judging, it is almost like I knew) 1 can of chef boyarde, easy mac, neopolitan ice cream and oreos and 2 cans of fancy feast cat food. When I got home I called Pet Town to order Norman's cat food (yes we have everything delivered in NYC). I fed Norman a can of the Fancy Feast. I figured he would enjoy it. He ate it like a champ. Like crazy. He ate the entire thing in like 5 minutes flat! I kept saying Norm, slow down, you are going to get sick.
Clearly he enjoyed his last meal and for that I am happy :)
I was sitting down while my Chef Boyarde was in the microwave and went in the other room to put some pjs on. I heard Norman in his litter box digging around and then the lofting smell of a poop.
I got my food out of the microwave and pulled over a table tray to eat--because that is how I roll. I was sitting down eating a bit of my dinner and noticed Norm sitting on the ground in front of me watching me eat :) like always. I was waiting for him to jump up, as he normally does :)
I continued eating and all of a sudden heard a scamper. I looked down because it almost sounded like he was trying to gear up to run. For those of you that have cats, or been around cats, I think you will know what I mean. They get bursts of energy sometimes and on a wooden floor it has a very distinctive sound. I looked down and he was flopping around. It was almost like he couldn't get his back legs to work all of a sudden it was so scary. He ended up on his side and I was down on my knees kneeling next to him, rubbing him and crying. I kept calling his name and crying and rubbing him, I didn't know what to do. I could tell there was something wrong. He howled really loudly a few times, like totally seized and then got real calm. I kept crying and calling his name. I hope I didn't scare him, but I am glad I was there with him.
I kept rubbing him and was debating mouth to mouth, but had no idea how to help a cat. He breathed a few more times and then just stopped. I didn't know what to do and just kept crying. I called Greg but he didn't answer and then I called Leslie.
Leslie ran right over. I finally got ahold of Greg and told him the bad news. Leslie, I owe you so much. Leslie was amazing. She grabbed my New Kids blanket and cradled him and picked him up. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys and we ran out of the apartment with Norman in the blanket. We got to 1st Avenue and then needed to find a cab. A nice women gave us her cab when she realized we had a cat with us. The cabbie took us down to the 24 hour Emergency Pet Hospital down in the 60's.
I cried hysterically the entire cab ride. I was afraid that maybe the food (new food never given him before) I gave him killed him and was blaming myself and trying to figure out what happened. The cabbie listened to us both crying for almost 30 blocks.
We got to the hospital and they took us right away. They were super nice and they let us know that cats often "get clots." The way I described what happened sounded like he had a clot. I asked if there was anything we could have done or any way we could have known and prevented and the answer to everything was "no." There was nothing we could have done and no way to have known.
Norman will be cremated and we will be adding some of his ashes to our vase that we just put together at our wedding as well as sprinkling some at some important places :( Never thought this would be happening. I know nothing is forever and while I kind of had a feeling he may be leaving us soon, I thought perhaps it was just paranoid Patty.
Norman, I will never forget you. I will never forget all you added to our life. I will never forget all the cuddles you gave me when I was sick or not feeling well. I will never be able to thank you enough for all of the laughs, giggles, and rolling eyes. You will go down in history as my favorite cat (sorry, Emily). You were sweet and kind and cuddly and you totally ruled Greg and I and 334 East 90th Street.
I am not quite sure that I will ever get used to this silence, but I am not naive enough to think anything will really ever fill the deafening silence your untimely passing has caused. I know you will always be with me and always be with us.
I am so grateful to know you had a great last meal, and witnessed your great last poop and that I was here with you in your final moments. If I came home to find you dead on the floor, I would have been imagining the worst case scenarios. I would have been afraid you were howling and suffering all day while I was at work. I would have been afraid you were scared and in pain all day while I was at work. As hard as it was to watch you pass away and as sad and scary and awful as it all was to witness, I know what happened and I was with you when it happened.
Death is just such a crazy thing. Here one second and gone the next. Norman's passing has once again reminded me that you just never know. I have never watched anyone die before. His last moments are etched in my brain. You never know when those you care about will leave this physical world. Take some pictures of our loved ones tonight, take some video. Give them an extra hug, and extra lick of ice cream. In the end the memories and the love are all we have.
While there is not much silver lining for me here, we lost our cat. We lost our sweet, sweet, Norman. I do have to remember that he had a wonderful life, even though it was way too short. He didn't suffer, he had a great last day and I am going to try and believe that today before he passed away he was finally able to show those birds who was boss.
Rest in peace my gentle giant. Mommy loves you more than you will ever understand. Thank you for everything, thank you for reminding me why loving is so important. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I continue to cry and feel like none of this is real. I continue to look around the apartment for you. I continue to assume you will jump on my lap. It is all such a shock and just happened way too fast.
I love you, Norman! It was an honor to be your human!
and that's all she wrote...
always,
Patty
He was the king of our castle and he ruled this house. Something on Norman's chair, we moved it, something bothering Norman, we stopped it. We left NPR on when we went away and spoiled him with toys and constant flowing fresh water.
He could fetch, he could sit and he could shake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0GJ3Eoe6Hs&feature=em-upload_owner#action=share He was our son. He was a part of our family. He was the best cat ever, I am sorry, but he was.
He was a comedian and he had a big personality. He would cop attitude, yell at us when we got home from vacation and most recently pee on the floor when he was fed up.
Some of his favorite things to do were to bed down on us...we would call it "pill pill." He would knead down with those crazy cat like claws of his, no matter how many times we trimmed them. He would pill, pill and zone out and get this happy zen like look on his face. He would go back and forth between Greg and I until he would settle down for a few minutes. He would often go back and forth, being certain to equally distribute his love.
He did love and adore his daddy. I have no doubt he loved me, but Greg was his favorite and I am ok with this. He loved his daddy. He would sit in Greg's arms and just purr. Greg would love him, cuddle him, pet him and play fight with him. All which Norman loved and all which set Patty up to be attacked when Greg would travel.
Greg would travel for work or home to see family. I would most often be laying innocently in bed. Norman would jump up on the bed, stand on my chest and after one look at him and his wild eyes, I would know I was his prey. He would most often latch onto my arm probably saying, " mom, why aren't you playing, why aren't you fighting back." I will forever have scars on my arm :) He didn't mean to hurt me, he is a wild animal after all and it was kind of nice to see that side of him, sometimes. That wild side. That side that has come down from his kitty cat ancestors.
I think of all of his ancestors, all those wild cats out there. I think they would say Norm had a good life. He got to live in 2 awesome cities, Boston and NYC. He was a NYC cat and you know what they say, if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.
He became infamous in all circles of our life. His name was signed on most holiday cards I sent out, I talk about him all the time and heck, he even made it into our wedding ceremony. He was a very special cat and I like to think he is bragging about his pretty cool NYC life wherever he is.
Not only did we leave NPR on for him, sometimes we would leave the light on for him and if nothing else, he got the AC in the summer even if we weren't home. We often use to joke that Norm needed to get a job to start paying his way. We loved our dear sweet Norman and I feel just so grateful to have had my little buddy for 9 amazing and wonderful years.
I have always been afraid to love, always been afraid to care for this very reason. I feel like those I care most about are always taken. I feel like they are always taken too soon. Norman has reminded me that sometimes it is worth it. It was totally worth everything to have these 9 years with Norman--even if they were way too short.
I still really feel like this is all a dream, like I will surely wake up. It all happened so fast. Other than peeing a few times over the past few months outside of his box, he was happy go lucky, Norm. Fetching, shaking, cuddling. No sign of suffering, pain, or problems at all.
I really am torn up and heartbroken. I really miss my little buddy more than words could ever describe. I keep finding myself fighting the urge to call his name. When Greg traveled was when we had our best bonding time. You see, recently the wild Norman had gone away. He has become a big, huge mush ball. He has been so lovey and cuddly.
Every night when I get home from work, we have the same dance. I open the door and he is at the door waiting, he runs out into the hallway. He does a quick stretch, the madonna move and sometimes runs over to 4C where his friends use to live. I then walk behind him and he walks back into the apartment. I will miss having this dance with Norman every night and every time we come home.
I will miss knowing that when I rang our door buzzer a certain way, Norm knew we were home. I will miss his excitement and greeting of any and all delivery men. Delivery for us, normally meant a small treat for him.
I will miss being woken up at 4 and 5 a.m. to a cat wanting to cuddle. I will miss our nightly battles over his wanting to share in my dinner. I will miss watching him sleep and snore so loudly. I will miss his puke, I will miss his dry food nearly killing me every morning I step on it with bare feet. I swear he would strategically place it sometimes to ensure it was in our path each morning. I will miss his stinky poop and crazy amounts of pee. Seriously, he produced the amount of a waste of a small child :) I will miss him tracking his litter all across the apartment. I am not sure how it got it from the litter box to the bed. Sometimes I think he tightened his claws and walked slowly and just opened them when he got on the bed and it would all come out from between his toes.
I will miss seeing him with his favorite toy "lickey". I will miss him thumping on kong https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pB2vv0ia8NU. I will miss watching him clean himself for what seemed like hours after each meal. I will miss his stinka face. I will miss watching him chase the birds in the bedroom window. I have no doubt he caught them where he is now. I will miss so much. I am so glad I decided to open the window for him today. It was cold, but at the last minute. I opened the shade and gave him his birds.
I will miss my friend and my buddy. I will miss always having someone to talk to. I spoke with him like he was a person. I will miss having someone to blame farts and stinks on. Everything in our house was "Norman's fault." I feel like the silence will be deafening. I write all of this home alone as Greg is actually at a conference in Boston. It is quiet now, but I have no doubt Norman will pass away all over again when I see Greg.
I really cannot believe it.
I would like to take a few moments to honor his last few minutes here. Just because I feel it helpful to talk about what happened and what I saw.
So, I had a 6pm acupuncture appointment tonight. I would normally have come straight home. On the way home from acupuncture, shortly after 7, I went to the grocery store. I bought the following (no judging, it is almost like I knew) 1 can of chef boyarde, easy mac, neopolitan ice cream and oreos and 2 cans of fancy feast cat food. When I got home I called Pet Town to order Norman's cat food (yes we have everything delivered in NYC). I fed Norman a can of the Fancy Feast. I figured he would enjoy it. He ate it like a champ. Like crazy. He ate the entire thing in like 5 minutes flat! I kept saying Norm, slow down, you are going to get sick.
Clearly he enjoyed his last meal and for that I am happy :)
I was sitting down while my Chef Boyarde was in the microwave and went in the other room to put some pjs on. I heard Norman in his litter box digging around and then the lofting smell of a poop.
I got my food out of the microwave and pulled over a table tray to eat--because that is how I roll. I was sitting down eating a bit of my dinner and noticed Norm sitting on the ground in front of me watching me eat :) like always. I was waiting for him to jump up, as he normally does :)
I continued eating and all of a sudden heard a scamper. I looked down because it almost sounded like he was trying to gear up to run. For those of you that have cats, or been around cats, I think you will know what I mean. They get bursts of energy sometimes and on a wooden floor it has a very distinctive sound. I looked down and he was flopping around. It was almost like he couldn't get his back legs to work all of a sudden it was so scary. He ended up on his side and I was down on my knees kneeling next to him, rubbing him and crying. I kept calling his name and crying and rubbing him, I didn't know what to do. I could tell there was something wrong. He howled really loudly a few times, like totally seized and then got real calm. I kept crying and calling his name. I hope I didn't scare him, but I am glad I was there with him.
I kept rubbing him and was debating mouth to mouth, but had no idea how to help a cat. He breathed a few more times and then just stopped. I didn't know what to do and just kept crying. I called Greg but he didn't answer and then I called Leslie.
Leslie ran right over. I finally got ahold of Greg and told him the bad news. Leslie, I owe you so much. Leslie was amazing. She grabbed my New Kids blanket and cradled him and picked him up. I grabbed my phone, purse and keys and we ran out of the apartment with Norman in the blanket. We got to 1st Avenue and then needed to find a cab. A nice women gave us her cab when she realized we had a cat with us. The cabbie took us down to the 24 hour Emergency Pet Hospital down in the 60's.
I cried hysterically the entire cab ride. I was afraid that maybe the food (new food never given him before) I gave him killed him and was blaming myself and trying to figure out what happened. The cabbie listened to us both crying for almost 30 blocks.
We got to the hospital and they took us right away. They were super nice and they let us know that cats often "get clots." The way I described what happened sounded like he had a clot. I asked if there was anything we could have done or any way we could have known and prevented and the answer to everything was "no." There was nothing we could have done and no way to have known.
Norman will be cremated and we will be adding some of his ashes to our vase that we just put together at our wedding as well as sprinkling some at some important places :( Never thought this would be happening. I know nothing is forever and while I kind of had a feeling he may be leaving us soon, I thought perhaps it was just paranoid Patty.
Norman, I will never forget you. I will never forget all you added to our life. I will never forget all the cuddles you gave me when I was sick or not feeling well. I will never be able to thank you enough for all of the laughs, giggles, and rolling eyes. You will go down in history as my favorite cat (sorry, Emily). You were sweet and kind and cuddly and you totally ruled Greg and I and 334 East 90th Street.
I am not quite sure that I will ever get used to this silence, but I am not naive enough to think anything will really ever fill the deafening silence your untimely passing has caused. I know you will always be with me and always be with us.
I am so grateful to know you had a great last meal, and witnessed your great last poop and that I was here with you in your final moments. If I came home to find you dead on the floor, I would have been imagining the worst case scenarios. I would have been afraid you were howling and suffering all day while I was at work. I would have been afraid you were scared and in pain all day while I was at work. As hard as it was to watch you pass away and as sad and scary and awful as it all was to witness, I know what happened and I was with you when it happened.
Death is just such a crazy thing. Here one second and gone the next. Norman's passing has once again reminded me that you just never know. I have never watched anyone die before. His last moments are etched in my brain. You never know when those you care about will leave this physical world. Take some pictures of our loved ones tonight, take some video. Give them an extra hug, and extra lick of ice cream. In the end the memories and the love are all we have.
While there is not much silver lining for me here, we lost our cat. We lost our sweet, sweet, Norman. I do have to remember that he had a wonderful life, even though it was way too short. He didn't suffer, he had a great last day and I am going to try and believe that today before he passed away he was finally able to show those birds who was boss.
Rest in peace my gentle giant. Mommy loves you more than you will ever understand. Thank you for everything, thank you for reminding me why loving is so important. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I continue to cry and feel like none of this is real. I continue to look around the apartment for you. I continue to assume you will jump on my lap. It is all such a shock and just happened way too fast.
I love you, Norman! It was an honor to be your human!
and that's all she wrote...
always,
Patty
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